


Beep Beep. What's That? Oh, It's a Knife

by Wooly_Marmalade



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Awkward Flirting, Crack, M/M, Mentions of Murder, Modern AU, Texting, assassin!Tom, bc tom kills people sometimes, but for some reason harry is ok with it, gratuitous sherlock references, mafia, no magic, only crack, tom likes disney movies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 21,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25276663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wooly_Marmalade/pseuds/Wooly_Marmalade
Summary: Disaster of a texting fic where assassin Tom Riddle accidentally texts the wrong number about his evil deeds. They end up... surprisingly getting along?Featuring: broke Tom hating the bourgeoisie and zoomer Harry making references Tom doesn't understand half the timeChinese translationavailable here thanks to the lovely spacemonkey42! 🥰
Relationships: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort
Comments: 535
Kudos: 740
Collections: *laughs*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文-普通话 國語 available: [【授翻】【TRHP】短信惹的祸 Beep Beep. What's That? Oh, It's a Knife](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25802011) by [spacemonkey42](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacemonkey42/pseuds/spacemonkey42)



**Target 02 killed and disposed of. Target 01 currently being gratuitously tortured as requested. Will send pics when done as evidence. Please send money to the bank account I gave you by the end of the day. -Voldemort**

_… excuse me?!?!_

**Oh**

**That was for**

**A game**

**I think I got the wrong number, please excuse me**

_nononono u can’t just say something like that and then excuse urself?!?!_

_did u just kill someone??_

**No**

**It was for a game, pay attention**

_right… and what game is this, exactly?_

_… ur taking an awfully long time typing there…_

**Minecraft?**

_I don’t think minecraft is the kind of game where u can kill and torture people??_

**It got an update**

_uh huh…_

**I don’t have to explain myself to you**

_no, but u will have to explain urself to the authorities if u don’t convince me u didn’t actually just kill someone_

**Oh, and what will you tell them, exactly?**

**“Ooh I got a scary text from an unknown number, please help me Mr. Police Officer”**

**I hope you know I read that in a very mocking tone of voice**

_yeah, I think I got that…_

_no, but I mean, u did give a name?_

_Voldemort? if ur some kinda evil crime lord maybe they can find u_

**…**

**You know, I am very curious as to what you look like. You are quite a stellar person and I’m sure you look wonderful. Would you mind describing your general features to me?**

**I promise this is not to kill you or anything of the sorts, I am simply curious as to what a dashing young person like you must look like**

_wow_

_if u are some kinda assassin, I hope u know I think ur really bad at ur job_

**Yeah? Well, I think you’re privileged bourgeoisie scum. Not all of us grew up with a phone, you know. Some of us find it difficult**

_ok calm down there robin hood, didn’t mean to touch a nerve lol_

_regardless of if ur new to it or not, maybe u should double check the number before you text someone ur murder plans??_

**I did check the number, I’m not an idiot**

**I think my client gave me the wrong one**

_‘my client’ are u actually admitting to being a criminal rn??_

**Well, I can’t lie to you anymore. Clearly your mind is too sharp. I underestimated the texting world…**

_no I think anyone would be suspicious if u sent them a text like that…_

**If it makes you feel any better, I promise I only kill the ones that deserve it**

_I’m not exactly trusting of ur morals here lol_

_what kind of people ‘deserve’ to be killed??_

**If you must know, just now I finished taking down a drug cartel that was known for human trafficking**

_oh, well, that’s not too bad I guess. good job?_

**Granted, the one to issue the hit request was a rival drug cartel, but that’s beside the point**

_ah, and the other shoe drops…_

**It’s a proper profession! Honestly, people are so judgmental nowadays**

_I think the term ur looking for is sane, actually?_

**And what do you do that’s so high and mighty, hm? Save puppies?**

_is this another half-assed attempt to find me so u can kill me?_

**I’m not going to find you from your occupation alone, idiot. Not unless you’re a consulting detective, the only one in the world? That would explain why you’re so sharp…**

_HA wow I did not expect sherlock references from an assassin_

**Assassins read too**

_mm so u meant the books? have u seen the bbc version? I liked it quite a bit_

**Yes, I agree. That Cumberbatch is…** **ravishing**

_RAVISHING_

_I MEAN YES I AGREE BUT HA_

_voldy lmao ur gonna kill me_

**Well, I am an assassin**

**Also, don’t call me Voldy, please, it’s demeaning**

_If u really think I’m gonna call u voldemort and feed ur enormous god complex u got another thing coming_

_‘flight of death’ ur so dumb lol_

**Oh, you know what it means? I certainly did not expect to come across such a scholar…**

**In any case, if you insist on being stubborn, you can call me Tom**

_nah my godfather’s just french lol_

_also tom? is that ur real name?_

**Voldemort is my real name**

_k_

**Was that message meant to sound so passive aggressive?**

_yes_

**I’ll have you know the name Voldemort strikes fear into the hearts of many**

_ok tom whatever u say_

_btw he/him then? srry I just wanna make sure_

**Yes, he/him. And for you?**

_same_

_u can call me harry_

_maybe that’s not my real name and I’m just leading u down a false trail tho hohoho_

**I wonder why I doubt that**

**Well, pleased to make your acquaintance, Harry**

_ya, pleased to meet u too, tom_

_ur alright_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my mind is 90% 'I want more texting fics' and 10% 'what am I doing with my life'  
> it all culminates to this
> 
> hope you enjoy <3


	2. Chapter 2

_hey did u see that new sherlock episode?_

_It was soo good_

**Shut the fuck up**

**Sherlock hasn’t gotten a new episode in three years and if you think you can just spread false information, you are sorely mistaken**

**Do you think that just because I’m a boomer I can’t use Google?**

_A BOOMER_

**That you can just give me false hope and I wouldn’t know any better?**

**Assassins have feelings too, you know**

_I’m sorry, I just thought I could use a joke to break the ice…_

**Yes, well, you did break the ice. And then you threw me to the bottom of the lake and drowned me**

_yknow I was feeling bad at first but I’m coming to realize ur just a drama queen_

_also are u rlly a boomer? how old are u??_

**_I’m 30_ **

_30?? omg tom ur not a boomer at 30_

**What? But then why does the child next door call me one every time he sees me…**

_tom… ur being bullied. he’s just making fun of u_

**Ugh, I should have known. This is why I hate children**

_aw I think they’re ok :)_

**How old are you? I shared my age, it’s only fair**

_hm…_

**If you don’t tell me, I’m stabbing you**

_virtually? I’m soo scared_

_I’m 21_

**21… Do you also get called a boomer by your neighbors?**

_tom stop saying boomer I’m gonna cry lol_

_also nah I don’t have neighbors. I live alone in this mansion in the middle of nowhere_

_alone other than the bodyguards_

**Rich…** **Has bodyguards… Harry…**

**Harry Styles?**

_this isn’t a wattpad fanfiction tom_

_also wouldn’t u normally think of prince harry first lol_

**Prince Harry is insignificant to me**

**If I don’t want to fuck them or don’t need to kill them, they’re nothing to me**

_poor harry omg_

_except for the killing part lol_

**Poor me. I was enjoying talking to you but apparently you’re upper class? I’m traumatized. I might have to add you to my kill list**

_I wasn’t already on ur kill list? I’m kind of offended_

_also my parents are dead and I get supported by my godfather soo_

_my tragic backstory allows me to be bougie, I think_

**Yeah? Well, my parents are dead *and* I’m poor**

**Did you know I had to cancel my Netflix subscription because the last guy gave me your number instead of his? I never got paid and now I have to have instant noodles for dinner**

_this conversation suddenly got so depressing…_

**Is this an uncomfortable topic for you? I can avoid it in the future**

_no it’s fine, I mean, it happened like fifteen years ago_

**Fifteen years ago? What a coincidence, my first kill was fifteen years ago…**

**Ah, the blood on my teenage hands… How nostalgic**

_hahaha oh my god imagine u were the one that killed my parents_

_that would be so fucked up_

**That would be… unfortunate indeed**

**You know what? Let’s avoid this topic**

_let’s_

_who was that dude who gave u the wrong number? the drug cartel person?_

**No, that was the one before that. My most recent job was an organized hit request from the local mafia boss**

_woah_

_hardcore_

**It must be so boring to live a normal pedestrian life**

**Longing for murder but never being able to do it because of your... “morals”**

_no I think longing for murder is a u thing lol_

_also, I think u’d be surprised by how not normal my life really is haha_

**Oh? Care to extrapolate?**

_hmm_

_maybe if I’m ever sure ur not gonna kill me_

**Me? Kill you? I would never**

**In any case, I would like to get to know you better. For some reason, I find myself fascinated by you**

**Oh**

**Is that perhaps one of those app things?**

**Are you digitally brainwashing me?**

_tom…_

_ur such a boomer…_

**Are you bullying me? Is that what you’re doing right now?**

_I’m teasing <3_

_but yeah, I want to get to know u too_

_it’s a bit lonely here, sometimes_

_oh, dave is telling me to go to bed, I have to go_

**Dave?**

_bodyguard_

_he’s just a teddy bear tho_

_twenty questions tmrw?_

**Sure. Sweet dreams, Harry**

_sweet dreams, Tom <3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact harry has autocorrect on and whenever he texts it automatically capitalizes the beginning of his sentences but he wants to keep a cute laid back texting persona so he has to go back and correct it to lowercase every time
> 
> no i'm not projecting


	3. Chapter 3

_worst fear?_

**Harry, it’s three in the morning…**

_wow srry didn’t mean to interrupt ur beauty sleep, princess_

**No, it’s fine on my end, but won’t your ‘Dave’ get mad?**

_psh what’s dave gonna do? spank me?_

_he knows I’d be into it_

**Harry…**

_srry sometimes I forget ur not supposed to say some things_

_not before the first date at least_

_buy me coffee, tom?_

**You’re asking me to buy you coffee when I can’t even afford rent? If I wasn’t an assassin who threatened the landlord, I’d be living on the streets, Harry**

_geez fine guess I’ll pay_

_how am I ever supposed to get a sugar daddy if I’m richer than everyone I know_

_#bougieproblems_

**Three am you is so frightening…**

**I don’t understand what # is in this context? Tic tac toe?**

_three am me is LIVING_

_tic tac toe… I can’t with u omg_

_answer the question_

**The worst fear one?**

**Death, I suppose. Yours?**

_losing the ones I care about :(_

**Hm. Favorite food?**

_I’m getting whiplash_

_I get all deep and ur gonna be all basic? ok_

_uhh spaghetti?_

**Spaghetti…**

_oi what’s wrong with spaghetti?_

**Nothing, but having it as your favorite food is a bit…**

**Mine is dark chocolate. It was the first sweet I was able to have as an orphan child. I still remember the bittersweet taste coating my lips…**

_man choco doesn’t count as a favorite food, it’s candy_

**Excuse me? I share my tragic backstory and you’re going to play semantics with me?**

_teehee srry_

_hm…_

_have u always been an assassin? I know u said u killed someone as a kid so_

**No, I only started professionally around seven years ago. My first kill was… spur of the moment**

**I was feeling a bit adventurous that night**

_that's what people say when they decide to get drunk off vodka, not when they decide to kill someone, tom_

**Funny of you to assume I wasn’t also drunk off vodka that night**

**In any case, before I started my current occupation, I dabbled in the various odd jobs, whatever would pay the bills. Bartending, acquiring and selling illicit goods…**

_stripping?_

**Occasionally**

_seriously?!_

_wow…_

**Are you imagining it?**

_maybe a little bit…_

**I was quite good at it too. After I left, I had regulars begging me to come back**

**So I stabbed them**

_hot_

**Even the stabbing part?**

_especially the stabbing part_

**You know, I changed my mind. I quite like three am Harry**

**I suppose it’s my turn now. Do you work? Or are you perhaps still in school?**

_neither_

_I was homeschooled but it was never that enforced. my godfather kinda spoiled me_

_he wants me to take over his family business but idk, I don’t rlly want to_

**Oh? What’s the family business?**

_secret lol_

**I won’t kill you, you know. I quite like you**

_that’s what all the assassin boys say_

_mm yknow speaking of boys_

_I was gonna ask. ur gay?_

_since u get all thirsty for cumberbatch_

**Very.**

**Back in the orphanage, I used to have a crush on this kid named Billy. I killed his rabbit to try and impress him, but he just started bullying me. They called me a devil’s child. Like, excuse me? Child? If anything, I *am* the devil. I’m that cool**

**Homophobia is so tough…**

_there’s so many things wrong with what u just said I’m not even gonna try_

**Well, what about you? Any preferences?**

_bi. found out during my scene kid phase when I was 13 and this skater boy seduced me_

_he didn’t even need to kill any rabbits to do it_

_he just did a flip and winked and I was like ‘woah’_

_ah, my youth…_

**God, I hated the scene kids. Kept throwing eggs at me**

_lmaoo why were kids throwing eggs at u?? u probably deserved it smh_

_anyways I was a cool one. had neon blue hair_

**I think they didn’t like me because I was poor and gay**

_well, if it makes you feel better, the gay scene kids wouldn’t throw eggs at you_

_I’m jk they totally would lol_

_btw what are u gonna do since u didn’t get paid for ur last job? do u have another murder planned_

**No, my last job was actually supposed to cover me for the next couple of months. I don’t know what to do now. Starve, maybe? Well, I’ll figure something out**

**I swear, if Sirius Black ever shows his face around me again….**

_._

_srry what?_

**I’ll stab him? I thought it was pretty implied**

_nonono I meant uh_

_sirius black?_

**Yes, he’s the mob boss that organized the hit. Perhaps you’ve heard of him?**

_hahaha_

_haha_

_wow_

_brb_

**Harry?**

**Harry? Are you still there?**

**I don’t know what brb means**

**Hold on I found a YouTube video explaining it**

**That’s what lol means? I thought it was a person with their hands up. Because they’re excited**

**What an informative video """lol"""**

**Are you back yet?**

**I guess you’ve fallen asleep. Sweet dreams, Harry**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harry at 13: “it’s not a phase, Remus!”  
> Harry: _starts singing sk8ter boi and playing air guitar_
> 
> Sirius: “Can I skate? You’re seriously asking me that, Harry? Can I skate? Of course I can! I’m the original punk rock kid!”  
> Sirius: _tries to do a back flip_  
>  Sirius: _breaks his ankle_


	4. Chapter 4

_siri_

_siri_

_siri get ur ass up_

_pads u better answer the phone rn or I swear I’m gonna come over to ur house in the middle of the night_

_dave will take me. dave loves me_

_OH MY GOD GET UP_

**_Harry? It’s Remus, I heard Pads’ phone go off. Are you alright?_ **

_I’m fine moony_

_could u get sirius on the phone_

_if he’s sleeping can u pls kick him awake_

**_Okay, one second. You’re safe though, right, Harry?_ **

_ya no worries_

_the only one in danger rn is siri cause I’m gonna fuck him up_

**_harry?! what’s wrong?? it’s padfoot_ **

_what’s wrong?? what’s wrong??_

_maybe the fact that you gave an ASSASSIN my phone number??_

**_aww harry you worried me. this is just about tom? isn’t he cute? :^)_ **

_??? he KILLS people for a living??_

**_haha darling, welcome to the family_ **

**_it’s alright, he wouldn’t kill you. he knows I have too much influence in the underground_ **

**_besides, I paid him a lot of money!_ **

_… u *didn’t* pay him, siri_

_christ pads u honestly just forgot? the man’s been starving!_

_he had to cancel his netflix subscription because of u!_

**_what? seriously? (haha siriusly) let me check the accounts_ **

**_aww man, you’re right_ **

**_this is why I always have moony do the accounting for me, I’m so shite at money stuff_ **

**_I had to do it alone this time because I knew he wouldn’t approve of my plan_ **

_I still don’t understand what ur ‘plan’ was…_

_getting me an assassin pen pal?_

**_yeah! or more ;^) I don’t know if you guys have exchanged photos yet, but he’s quite the looker_ **

**_just your type (you’re welcome)_ **

**_I just figured since you’re all lonely in that big house of yours…_ **

_I have dave! and sometimes ron and hermione visit!_

**_you can’t blame me for caring about your love life, harry_ **

**_when I was your age, I was getting dick for days!_ **

_SIRIUS_

_I DON’T WANNA HEAR ABOUT THAT OMG_

_UR SO GROSS_

_and you were getting ONE dick_

**_moony’s was more than enough for me ;^)_ **

**_I don’t get what the problem is? you don’t like tom?_ **

**_if he’s bothering you, I can always just get rid of him :^(_ **

_it’s not that I don’t like him…_

_I just wish u would have told me what was going on_

_and that u paid him!_

**_yes yes. I’ll even give him some extra so he can pay for you during dates_ **

_siri! it’s not like that!_

**_you’re just saying that because you haven’t seen his ding dong yet_ **

_and you have?!_

**_well, I had to screen him, didn’t I?_ **

_ur the worst…_

_there’s more to a man than his dong!_

**_okayy. don’t be such a party pooper, harry_ **

_… I’m telling remus about this_

**_no don’t! he’ll kill me. he’s so stranger danger_ **

**_just give it a try, yeah?_ **

**_maybe he’ll make you happy_ **

_… okay_

_yeah, okay_

_good night, siri_

**_night sweetie. love you <3_ **

_…_

_love u too <3_

* * *

_ok I’m back_

**Harry, listen, I looked up what brb means and I don’t think you used it correctly given that you were not ‘right back’**

_oh my god shut up_

**You don’t have to be embarrassed, I know all this internet lingo can be quite complicated**

_I hate u_

_so much rn_

_I can’t even tell if ur being sarcastic or if this is just what ur like_

_it’s four am and I just wanna sleep but I can’t bc my godfather is a meddling ass_

_listen tom_

_on a scale of one to ten, how much do you actually want to kill sirius black_

**Realistically speaking?**

_yes_

**One. I wouldn’t put my life in jeopardy over one paycheck**

**I’m just, as the video said, ‘salty’**

**Like an ocean**

_I leave for one hour and u’ve already become a disaster_

_ok well look_

_ur getting ur paycheck_

**If I were getting my paycheck, I wouldn’t be selling my pillows on Craigslist for spare change**

_christ ur like a kicked puppy_

_look, u remember how I said my godfather takes care of me? and wants me to take over his family business?_

**Yes?**

_yes well_

_my godfather is sirius black and the family business is the mafia_

_surprise_

_oh my god hurry up and say something_

**Sorry, I’m just trying to comprehend what you told me**

**Is this you bullying me again?**

_omg no_

_basically, he gave you my number instead of his and then just forgot to pay you_

_I told him off about it don’t worry_

**Why did he give an assassin his godson’s phone number?**

_that’s what I said!_

_he said he thought I was lonely…_

**Your godfather is certainly… a unique character**

**That being said, I’ve never heard of Sirius Black taking in a ward**

_yeah they kept it pretty under wraps_

_they didn’t want me getting kidnapped or whatever_

**And yet he still let you talk to a professional killer?**

_to be fair, usually moony is there to stop him_

_moony is like… my other godfather, basically_

**I see…**

_u don’t… hate me now, do u?_

**What? Of course not. Why would I ever hate you?**

_bc u were all mad at siri :(_

**The issues I have with your godfather in no way transfer over to you**

**I enjoy talking with you, Harry. Nothing’s going to change that**

_…wow_

_I’m getting all teary eyed_

_let’s move on_

_u don’t have to sell ur pillows anymore since ur getting paid_

**Brilliant. I’ll finally be able to afford dinner**

_god I feel so bad_

_I’m sorry u didn’t get ur money for so long, tom_

_if I knew I would have done something sooner_

**It’s fine. In exchange, I got to talk to you, didn’t I?**

_my heart can’t handle this at four in the morning_

_let’s go to sleep?_

**Sure. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Harry**

_oh but real quick…_

_siri didn’t actually see ur dick, did he?_

**What on earth were the two of you talking about?**

_just answer the question_

**Well, he had to do a screening, didn’t he?**

_oh my god…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> autocorrect: do you mean ding doing  
> me: please stop mocking me
> 
> harry: "I don't care about the size of his dick, it's the personality that counts!"  
> sirius:  
> harry:  
> sirius:  
> harry: "I mean, it's a nice _bonus_..."


	5. Chapter 5

**I’ve just realized that even though you threatened to turn me in to the authorities when we first met, you are actually a mob heir**

**Double standards, much?**

_good morning to u too, tom_

_I wasn’t rlly gonna do it, anyways, I was just messing with u lol_

**What, seriously? And there I was planning ways to digitally murder you**

_well, u seemed kinda interesting so I figured I needed a reason for u to stick around_

_gotta love blackmail_

**The more we talk, the more I’m realizing just how morally grey you are**

_that being said, u don’t actually wanna kill me anymore, do u?_

**Probably not**

_probably?!_

**I’m kidding**

**I have no desire to kill you. And not just because you’re Sirius Black’s godson**

**I wasn’t lying when I said I enjoy talking with you, Harry**

_hmmm_

_ok_

_I’ll trust u_

_bc I like talking with u too <3_

**We’re in agreement, then**

_yeah_

_so um_

_how are u_

_christ I feel like it’s suddenly awkward now that we know who we are_

**I suppose we’ll just have to keep talking until it gets less awkward, won’t we?**

**I’m doing alright. Finally got my Netflix subscription back**

_aw that’s great_

_are u gonna eat some fancy dinner too_

**Yes. Now that I have money, I’ll finally be able to put some greens in my ramen**

**Might splurge and put in an egg**

_… srry what?_

**It’s actually kind of embarrassing to admit given that I kept complaining about starving, but truth be told, my eating habits have stayed relatively the same with or without money**

**I’m not much of a cook**

_??? so u just have ramen all the time??_

_christ how are u still alive_

**Well, I have this big bag of powder I bought from the internet**

**It’s very cheap and says it has all the nutrients of a full meal**

**You just mix it with water and there you go**

_wtf??? are u drinking poison or smthing??_

**I’m not. The label says it has essential vitamins and everything**

_nono that definitely sounds like something from the black market_

_ur so terrifying_

**What do you usually eat, then, if you’re going to be acting all high and mighty**

_I actually rlly like cooking_

_I make something different every day. probably gonna make fish today since dave brought back some fresh ones_

**Gross**

_u don’t like fish?_

**Fish is fine, I was referring to the fact that you cook your own meals. You’re making me look bad**

_ur making urself look bad lol_

_siri said ur fit but I don’t believe him one bit if this it what ur diet is like_

**I’ll have you know I *am* quite fit**

**[img attached]**

**See?**

**…Harry?**

**Are you still there?**

* * *

_SIRI HE’S SO HOT WTF_

_[img attached]_

_IS THIS REALLY WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE??_

**_he made a peace sign? what a champ_ **

**_he does look like that. even better, I’d say, that photo’s kinda shite_ **

_wow_

_wow_

**_like I said, you’re welcome_ **

_god don’t act so smug_

_…_

_u and remus should come over tonight, I’m making fish_

**_aw harry you haven’t invited me over in ages!!_ **

**_we’ll definitely come_ **

**_crap, gotta go love, I’m getting blood on my phone_ **

_siri?? are u ok??_

**_oh haha don’t worry prongslet, it’s not mine_ **

_oh gotcha_

_I’ll let u get back to it then_

_love u, pads <3_

**_love you too, harry <3_ **

* * *

_hahaha can’t believe you made a piece sign, so lame_

**It took you that long to respond just to insult me?**

_smh tom I’m a busy man, my life doesn’t revolve around u_

**I feel like since I’ve told you my eating habits, you’ve gotten significantly ruder to me**

_I’m teasing ok_

_I will admit that u may or may not_

_be kinda sorta pretty fit_

_maybe_

**Maybe?**

**I didn’t realize you had such high standards. Do I need to show you a picture of my abs, as well?**

_I mean_

_if ur offering_

_then_

**[img attached]**

_hmm_

_hm_

_yes thatis_

_that is quite nicw_

_nice*_

_very fit_

**Are you all right, Harry?**

_yes yes yes_

_I am very good_

_no worries_

_it is just_

_dave_

_he is distracting me_

**Dave again?**

**You seem quite close with him**

**Harry? Are you there?**

_yes? srry what? srry got distracted again_

_oh dave? ya I mean he’s been looking over me since I was a kid_

_he’s pretty cool_

**Hm. He certainly must be if he keeps distracting you from me**

**You like him?**

_yeah? of course I like him, he’s a sweetie_

**Hm.**

_I mean, I’m an only child, so he’s kind of like the big bro I never had_

**Oh. So he’s like a brotherly figure, then?**

_ya smthing like that_

**Brilliant, that’s alright then**

_what's alright? ur so weird tom lol_

**It’s nothing**

**Perhaps I’ll give a go at cooking today as well. I wouldn’t want to disappoint you, after all**

_aw ur sweet. feel free to ask me questions about it if u have any_

_and if u fail, I could always just cook for the both of us_

**Hm… Yes, that sounds quite nice**

_yeah?_

**Yes. I don’t have many friends my age, after all**

_oh_

_hahaha yeah me neither_

_haha_

_I mean I have my childhood friends ron and hermione but that’s about it_

**If we ever do see each other, I wouldn’t be able to recognize you**

**I don’t know what you look like, after all**

_is this u asking for a photo of me?_

**Perhaps**

_hm…_

_one second_

* * *

_moony moony moony help_

_do u have any good pictures of me_

Of course, darling.

[img attached]

I think you look particularly cute in this one.

_moony omg I need recent ones not me when I was TEN_

Oh!

[img attached]

This one is quite nice then. It’s from the dinner party we went to last week.

_awesome thanks remus_

Can I ask what this is for, Harry?

_oh it’s for uh_

_hermione_

Hermione? How wonderful, she’s such a sweet girl. Tell her I said hi, will you?

_will do_

_bye moony_

_love u <3_

Love you too, darling. <3

* * *

_[img attached]_

_there u go_

**You’re the one in the middle?**

_ya_

**Hmm.**

_hmm? what kind of reaction is hmm?_

**It’s just that I didn’t expect you to look quite so attractive**

_oh_

_um_

_thanks_

**Am I being too blunt?**

_nono it’s ah_

_it’s fine_

_thank u_

**You’re quite short, as well**

_oi! u ruined it!_

_u were being all charming and then go back to being an ass_

**There’s nothing wrong with being short, Harry**

**I wouldn’t understand, given that I am quite tall, but I’m sure it’s not so bad being small**

_I’m not small! I hate u omg_

_u are the literal worst_

**It’s quite cute when you’re angry. It’s like having a Pomeranian bark at me**

_I’m leaving_

**Oh, did you say something? I couldn’t hear anything from up here. Maybe try standing on your tippy toes?**

_FUCK U_

**I’m teasing, Harry**

**I’m off to go grocery shopping. Do you need anything? Some milk to aid your growth, perhaps?**

_I hope ur kitchen burns down_

_twat_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> harry's search history:  
> >how to get taller  
> >what does it mean when he friendzones u but then calls u attractive  
> >when is it too early to flirt with someone  
> >is it ok to date an assassin  
> >are powdered meals safe  
> >fish recipes
> 
> tom's search history:  
> >what does lol mean  
> >what does brb mean  
> >what does smh mean  
> >what does it mean when he sends you a heart emoticon  
> >what does it mean when he takes too long to respond to your selfie  
> >tips for flirting with mob heirs who used to be scene kids  
> >fish recipes


	6. Chapter 6

_[img attached]_

_fish!_

**[img attached]**

_oh my god what the fuck is that???_

**It’s fish**

_that is NOT fish_

_that is some kind of… abomination_

**Does it really look that bad?**

_it’s pitch black!_

_and u can still see the eyes, it’s so terrifying oh my god_

_how did u even manage to make that??_

**Well, I bought a fish**

**And then I put it on the stovetop fire and let it sit for a bit**

**Got a bit distracted watching Bake Off, if I’m honest**

_okay, first of all, if u buy a whole fish, ur supposed to prepare it… u should have just bought the ones that are already cut_

_second of all, and I’m hesitant to ask this bc there’s no way u’d actually do this but…_

_u didn’t put the fish straight on the fire, did u? u put it on a pan first?_

**You’re supposed to put it on a pan?**

_oh my god…_

_how are u real?? ur honestly telling me u just put a whole fish just right in the middle of ur stove?_

**Well, that’s how they did it in the old days**

**Just put it on a stick and held it in the campfire**

**I was just being a bit old-school**

_‘old-school’ we’re not in the stone age tom…_

_I can’t believe u didn’t burn ur place down_

**At least I didn’t drop my cake during the Showstopper**

**He dropped his whole cake, Harry! Just right on the floor. It was horrible**

_christ someone needs to take away ur netflix privileges again_

***pouts***

_…excuse me?_

**I’m pouting. That’s what the little * stars meant**

_but_ _why?? why would u ever write that?? why would u send that to me??_

_I feel like I’m back in my scene kid skype group chat_

**Well, I was looking up fish recipes, but I got distracted because there was another video on internet lingo**

**There’s a whole series, apparently. I’m learning a lot**

_oh my god u should have just continued with the fish recipes_

_u are such a disaster_

***pouts***

_STOP_

_I can’t_

_ur giving me goosebumps_

**In any case, I don’t have to know how to make fish, do I? You said you would cook for the both of us**

_that’s_

_I mean_

_yes but_

_ahh fine_

_please never use a kitchen for the rest of ur life, I’ll take care of it_

**You’ll take care of it?**

_yes_

**You’ll take care of me?**

_…yes?_

**You’ll take care of my… needs?**

***winks***

**Harry?**

**Harry are you still there?**

_sorry I was contemplating whether or not I should block u_

**What? I was being suave**

**Is it not working? Strange**

_what's strange is that u thought it was working in the first place…_

_why are u even trying to be suave in the first place?_

**I’m trying to seduce you**

**Harry?**

**…Harry?**

_sorry just… what?_

_what??_

**Are my advances not appreciated? My apologies, I can stop**

_nonono that’s not_

_it’s not that I want u to stop_

_I just don’t know why ur trying to seduce me in the first place??_

**There’s generally only one reason, is there not?**

**I have mentioned that I like you, haven’t I?**

_u did but then u friendzoned me like immediately!!!_

**Oh. Well, I didn’t want to be too forward**

_and ur not being forward now??_

**To be honest, Harry, I had a near death experience today. Seeing the flames rise from that fish as smoke overcame my field of vision… It was terrifying**

**It was when I saw the lifeless unblinking eyes of that trout that I decided I wouldn’t hesitate**

**It was quite life-changing, actually. Like a vision from above**

**Or below, maybe, that fish was quite Satan-esque as it was being surrounded by fire**

_every time I talk with u I feel like I’m in a fever dream…_

**Can I?**

_can u what, tom?? oh my god ur going to make me go insane_

**Can I flirt with you?**

_I_

_I mean…_

_I wouldn’t be against it…?_

**Brilliant. I won’t hold back, then**

**I must say, flirting over text is quite difficult though**

**It’s quite easy in real life. I usually don’t even need to say anything, I just smirk and the boys hop into my bed**

_u are doing the worst job seducing me rn_

**Seriously? I thought I was showing off my prowess**

_I don’t want to know about how many boy toys u’ve had in ur bed omg!_

**Oh? Are you jealous? How cute**

_ur the worst oh my god_

_oh my god I just realized_

_YOU were jealous_

**What? When?**

_when I was talking about dave!! that’s why u were so weird about it!!_

_oh my god tom u were SO jealous!!_

**Yes, well, can you blame me? You kept getting distracted by him**

_tom_

_if I tell u something, will u promise not to get smug?_

**I promise**

_I wasn’t actually distracted by dave_

_I was distracted by ur abs_

**Ha! I should have known. You were being flustered by how fit I was!**

_u said u wouldn’t be smug!_

**I lied. I’m very smug. In fact, I’m smirking**

**Look:**

***smirks***

_I can’t believe I trusted u_

_u know what?_

_I’m gonna go hang out with dave instead_

**What? Don’t! What does Dave have that I don’t?**

_a sense of humility?_

**Overrated**

_nope, I think I’m gonna leave u for dave_

_in fact… I might even give him a KISS ON THE CHEEK_

**WHAT? DON’T**

**HARRY**

_[img attached]_

_look at him blushing, so cute_

_…tom?_

_tom? u there?_

**I’m here, I’m just sharpening my knives**

_tom!_

**Dave looks quite buff, but do you know what that means, Harry? That means he’s slower**

**I have agility**

_tom! stop planning to kill dave!_

**Too late**

_tom, I was kidding! I told u remember? he’s like an older brother to me_

**You still kissed him on the cheek**

_tom! if it makes u feel better, I promise I’ll kiss u on the cheek too if we ever meet_

**Really?**

_ya really_

**Only on the cheek?**

_maybe…_

_maybe in other places too? it depends on how good ur doing that day!_

**What determines being good?**

_not killing anyone for starters_

**Tch**

_tom!_

**I’m kidding. I wouldn’t kill anyone**

**Not on our first date, at least**

_ur so high maintenance oh my god…_

_shit I gotta go, moony’s coming_

_oh my god moony_

**Harry?**

_ur gonna have to deal with moony oh my god_

_he’s going to kill u_

**Moony is your other godfather, correct? He’s protective of you?**

_protective is an understatement…_

_I call him moony, but his real name is remus lupin_

**…Remus Lupin?**

**You mean like the hitman Remus Lupin?**

**The one that’s nicknamed Werewolf because he’s known for ripping people apart with his bare hands?**

_haha that’s the one…_

_he’s actually quite sweet!_

_he just gets a little out of hand sometimes_

**Out of hand? There were rumors that he kept the hearts of his victims so he could cook them**

_well, technically he wasn’t the one cooking them…_

_anyways, moony’s eating habits are none of ur business! sometimes he just gets a little hungry!_

_but he’s very pure! he scrapbooks!_

_tom? u there?_

**Sorry, I was just seeing my life flash before my eyes**

**I guess this is what I get for falling for a mob heir…**

_aww tom_

_u won’t give up?_

**If the Satan Fish has taught me anything, it’s that you only live once**

**Don’t worry, Harry, I’ll make sure Moony sees just how great I am for you**

_tom…_

_ur so sweet_

**Oh? Did I make your heart skip a beat?**

_maybe a little_

***smirks***

_wow okay nope just kidding u are officially my least favorite person_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Satan Fish: **"Tom..."**  
>  Tom: "Father?!"  
> Satan Fish: **"Tom, you have forgotten me."**  
>  Tom: "No! How could I?"  
> Satan Fish: **"You have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Tom. You are more than what you have become. You must seduce the cute boy."**  
>  Tom: "How can I? He's the son of a mob boss!"  
> Satan Fish: **"Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true homosexual assassin. Remember who you areeeee."** _fades away into the smoke_
> 
> Gotta say, the Disney live action adaptation hits differently here


	7. Chapter 7

**Tell me about your childhood, Harry**

_my childhood?_

**Yes, if you look one text above, you will find that is exactly what I said approximately five seconds ago**

_christ u don’t have u be so moody about it_

_I was just surprised bc it was so out of the blue_

_one moment ur all ‘satan fish has blessed me’ and the next ur like ‘tell me about urself’_

**Forget about the fish**

**I want to get to know you Harry**

_I mean, I’m not rlly all that interesting…_

**One of your godfathers eats human hearts and you claim you aren’t interesting?**

_stop making him sound like hannibal lecter! he doesn’t even do it that often nowadays, only on special occasions_

_he prefers chicken, really_

_and anyways, moony is moony but I’m…_

_I’m just harry, yknow?_

**Just Harry is more than enough for me**

_you mean it? it’s really enough?_

**Yes, if you look one text above, you will find that is exactly what I said approximately five seconds ago**

_u_ _are the WORST at easing people’s insecurities omg_

**You have nothing to be insecure about darling, I like you just the way you are**

**Now tell me about your childhood, will you?**

_hmm well_

_my parents died when I was around 6, so I don’t really remember much of them_

_they were killed in some alleyway and they never found the culprit_

_after that, siri took me in. he and my dad were best friends in high school so_

**Your father was okay being friends with someone involved with the mafia?**

_I mean from what siri tells me, my dad’s two greatest concerns were lily and the outcomes of the local rugby games_

_other than that he didn’t rlly care about what was going on. he was straight vibin_

_oh lily’s my mum_

_she didn’t even know about the whole mafia thing, they kept it a secret from her_

_anyways yada yada yada they died and I ended up living with siri and moony_

_oh moony and siri are a thing btw_

**The way you just casually sprinkle in information that would cause uproar in the underground is incredible. It’s the first I’ve ever heard of it**

_ya I mean, they like to keep private stuff private yknow_

_y’all criminal types like to gossip so it’s a pain in the ass if stuff gets out_

_like fr, if the criminal world is a high school, u assassins are like that one thot called jennifer who can never keep her mouth shut_

_like stfu jen I just want to stare at professor davidson’s biceps not hear about who fucked who_

_I didn’t exactly go to school so I don’t know if this is accurate or not_

_if u know any jennifers tell them I’m sorry and that I’m basing all my information off shitty nick teen dramas_

**Your imagination is so wonderfully vibrant Harry, sometimes I wonder how you get anything done**

_I can’t tell if ur complimenting me or being a dick_

_anyways moral of the story is siri and moony are so lovey dovey it’s gross_

_I forgot how they met, I’ll have to ask later_

_siri always starts ranting about it when he gets drunk but I just tune him out_

**Hmm. So what happened after they took you in?**

_uhh_

_I mean, not much? they spoiled me a bunch and I grew up and now here I am_

**What about your childhood friends? You said they were called Ron and Hermione?**

_why does it feel like ur cross-examining me_

_but ya, they’re my buddies. I met them when I was like ten in the park and we just kinda kept hanging out_

_ron got stuck in the baby swings bc he was too thicc and we had to spend like thirty minutes pulling him out_

_they don’t know about the whole mob thing either_

**Oh, right, you said you don’t want to take over the business?**

_yeah_

_I mean, I’m not particularly against it, but I don’t want it to be my only option, yknow?_

_I wanna explore what’s out there a bit_

_why did u decide to become an assassin?_

**In opposition to staying as a stripper?**

_christ don’t remind me, I’ll start getting all hot and bothered_

**My specialty was lap dances, you know**

_ahh don’t, I’m not even alone right now. the bodyguards are still in the room_

**Dave?**

_dave and this other dude. I haven’t spoken with the other one tho, he’s kinda new. I’m only close with dave_

**Hm.**

_omg stop getting jealous and just answer the question_

**Right. Well, it was just circumstance, really. I was wandering around town when some man offered me a hefty sum to take someone out and I just figured, ‘why not?’**

**And then I found out I was pretty good at it and just kept going**

**Paid better than pole dancing, that’s for sure**

_christ stop talking about the stripper thing already ur gonna make harry jr come out_

_still, that’s… pretty incredible_

**Yes, well, I often am, aren’t I?**

**I’m just naturally skilled in pretty much anything**

_other than making fish…_

**Forget about the fish**

**In any case, there was also the benefit that my whole identity is pretty under the radar. No fingerprints, DNA data, or anything like that**

**One of the benefits of being an orphan lost in the system, I suppose**

**Not that I leave behind any evidence, of course. Other than my first kill, that is**

**God, that kill was a disaster. Never kill while drunk off vodka, that’s what I learned**

_didn’t u say u were fifteen or smthing when u did it??_

**Yep. Crime scene was a disaster. Got my fingerprints all over the place and even left the bloody murder weapon behind**

_who’d u even kill? other than ur innocent soul_

**Who knows? It was just some random couple I saw in the streets**

**I was in a particularly bad place at the time, mad at the world around me. Mad at myself for feeling like I was destined to die without achieving anything**

**So I drank my troubles away and figured a little murder never hurt anyone**

_ok I don’t quite think the second part of that statement is accurate_

_but still, u’ve really had it tough, huh tom…_

**You could say that**

**I’m a bit jealous of you, really. I know it must have been difficult to lose your parents, but you grew up with the love from your godfathers**

**I think I gave up on love somewhere along the way. Never had it, after all**

_tom…_

_aah I’m getting my phone all wet because u got me all teary eyed_

**Are you crying for my sake? I’m flattered**

_yknow tom, I don’t know where this thing between the two of us will go but…_

_if I end up loving u, u better bet I’ll love u with everything I have_

_u won’t have to feel alone again, okay?_

**That sounds... nice**

**I did say I gave up on love but…**

**Well, if it’s with you, maybe anything’s possible**

_let’s meet up soon tom, I really want to see u. when was the last time u got a hug?_

**Hmm… Well, I wonder if I’ve ever gotten one? I don’t think anyone’s ever tried**

_tom…_

_ok, that’s it, I promise. when we meet up, I’m never going to let u go_

**You promise?**

_yes, if u look one text above, u will find that is exactly what I said approximately five seconds ago_

**Touche**

**Well, I’ll be looking forward to it then. I’ll even get the benefit of finally experiencing your home cooked meals**

_or… u can try cooking again while I help u from the side_

**You don’t think it’ll end in disaster?**

_well, worst comes to worst, I’ll finally be able to meet Satan Fish_

**Harry…**

**Forget about the fish already**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ten year old ron: "oh my god, I'm never getting out"  
> ten year old harry: "it's okay!" _pulls out the pocket knife he got from sirius_ "we can just cut your legs off!"  
> ten year old hermione: "but harry, then he'll die of blood loss!"  
> harry, pouting: "aww, you're right"  
> hermione: "well, if we leave him there long enough, won't he just become skinny enough to slip out?"  
> ron: "but I'll starve!"  
> hermione: "well, you can't always be a winner"  
> harry, crossing his arms: "if he's going to die either way, we might as well do it my way"  
> hermione: "hm... rock paper scissors?"  
> ron: "um, guys? I don't really like either of those plans..."  
> harry and hermione: "rock, paper, scissors, SHOOT!"  
> harry: "HA! I win!" _starts getting his knife out again_
> 
> sirius in the background, wiping away a tear: "I'm so proud of him. I bet he gets it from you, moony"  
> remus, also getting sentimental: "what? no way. that blood lust? that's all you, pads"
> 
> luckily, ron was saved by dave rushing over and explaining to harry why it's not socially acceptable to cut off people's legs


	8. Chapter 8

**So, Harry, since you’re not too keen on the mafia, do you have any other occupations in mind?**

_uhh not really_

_I mean, I figured one day I’d just figure it out and then go for it, yknow?_

**I see. So then, you’re planning on staying as a freeloader for now?**

_oi! I’m not a freeloader!_

**You’re not?**

_no well, I am but…_

_I cook…?_

_siri and moony don’t need more money anyways! they're rich enough!_

_I offer quality emotional support_

**What’s that? I couldn’t hear anything over the sound of bougie coming from your direction**

_ugh fine maybe I’m a little bit spoiled ok_

_I don’t even know what I’d be able to do though, I never even went to school_

**Speaking of which, neither did I**

_I guess u wouldn’t really need a degree for assassination huh_

**Or stripping**

_ahh don’t_

_not now_

**Oh? Later is okay?**

_maybe…_

_we'll talk about it_

_but I wonder what school is like… I always wanted to be a theater kid_

**Should we roleplay?**

_what?_

**Look, I’ll start:**

**“Ahn, no, Professor Harry, you can’t—!”**

_oh my god_

_what the literal fuck is wrong with u? like where u do u get this stuff from?_

**I found a blog about it**

_please never read blogs again_

_in any case, wouldn’t u be the teacher in this scenario? since ur older_

**I guess you’re right. Here let me try something else:**

_DON’T_

_don’t_

_god I don’t even want to know what kind of monstrosity u were about to type out_

**Tragic, I was really getting into it, too**

**You’re not into roleplaying then?**

_I mean, I’m no hermione that’s for sure_

**Is that what your friend is into? How surprising**

_oh yeah, hermione? she’s a fucking fiend_

_ron is chill with it and all but damn u should see the stuff she comes up with_

_she has like, maid outfits and everything_

_I don’t even know how she finds them in ron’s size_

**Oh? Ron’s the one wearing them?**

_HA yeah ron’s a total femboy u should see him_

_tbh with those thicc thighs he was destined for it_

**What a vivid cast of characters you have in your life, Harry**

_hahaha yeah I guess so_

_ur part of that cast too yknow. not everyone has an assassin texting buddy_

**I’m sure not many have an assassin boyfriend, either**

_ugh stop being so suave_

_at least give me a warning first_

**I wonder if Hermione would give me any pointers in buying outfits. I’m sure you’d look quite nice in a maid outfit yourself**

_oi! u’d have to earn that privilege mister_

_I ain’t gonna dress up unless I think u deserve it_

**Oh? And what can I do to earn the privilege?**

_hmm_

_learn to cook, maybe_

**Ah, how cruel Harry, you know just how to hit me where it hurts**

**Well, if that’s what it takes, I suppose I’ll just have to try my best**

_just don’t burn ur place down ok_

**I’ll try**

_btw, what about u? do u have any life goals? other than killing people for a living_

**Hmm. Well, I used to want to be a teacher**

_a teacher?? u?? that sounds terrifying_

**I think I’d be quite good at it, actually. I’d teach history, perhaps**

_u’d probably torture the students until they got good grades…_

**Maybe mentally. Never physically. I’m not *that* evil**

_what unexpected morals from a professional assassin_

**Why don’t you try calling me Professor Riddle, Harry? I’m sure it would sound beautiful coming from you**

_riddle?_

_ohh ur last name. come to think of it, we never shared anything other than our first names huh_

_well, I also know ur shitty assassin name lol_

**Hey! Lord Voldemort is an icon in the criminal world. I even have a fanclub**

_HA I can’t believe u even added in a lord ur so lame_

_do u really have a fanclub??_

**Yes. They call themselves the Death Eaters. It’s a good name, right?**

_I don’t know about that…_

**It’s a great name**

**I came up with it, actually**

_I should have known…_

_I’m potter btw. harry potter_

**Harry Potter… How quaint. Sounds like the protagonist of a fantasy novel**

_does it really…?_

**Yes. That’s right, you would be… a wizard**

_a wizard? and what would u be? a goblin?_

**No! I would also be a wizard. I’d just be an evil one**

_ah, of course_

**Do you want to know how the book ends, Harry?**

_absolutely_

**Harry and the Dark Lord Voldemort elope to live in a cottage happily ever after**

_what a wholesome ending_

_u might as well be an author instead of a teacher_

**Perhaps. I am quite talented in this, aren’t I?**

**Why don’t you become a teacher then?**

_a teacher huh? that actually sounds kinda nice_

_I’m pretty fond of kids_

**And that way we could make my roleplay fantasy from earlier come true…**

_absolutely not_

_christ I’d have to get a degree tho wouldn’t I_

_I’d have to go to uni. what a disaster_

**Just make sure to tell me who your roommate ends up being**

**So I can kill them**

_don’t kill them omg the school would end up kicking me out_

**That’s your only concern? How deliciously morally dubious you are**

_blame my godfathers_

**Imagine if you were from a law enforcement family? It would be the Shakespearean romance of the century**

_if I were law enforcement ur ass would be in jail_

_christ definitely not tho, I hate those buggers_

_there was this one officer called dumbledore that kept stalking siri back in the day_

_like mind ur own business u geezer just let siri buy his soup in peace_

**Dumbledore? What an incredible coincidence, I also know him**

_seriously??_

**Yes, he often came to see me when I got in trouble at the orphanage. Said if I kept it up, I’d grow up to be a criminal**

**Just because he was right doesn’t make him any less annoying**

_smh u should have just stabbed him_

**You of all people encouraging me to murder someone? I’m swooning**

_ya well, sometimes u gotta do what u gotta do_

_he’s an *actual* boomer_

**When is your birthday? Perhaps I could arrange a little light murder as a present**

_july 31st. I don’t recommend it tho, I wouldn’t want u to get in trouble. he’s a big wig with the ‘good guys’_

**Oh, are you worried about me? How sweet**

_obviously I’m worried about u, u dork_

_I do actually like u quite a bit_

**Oh. Really?**

_did u not know??_

**I kind of figured you were just humoring me, really**

_christ why is ur overinflated ego never here when it counts_

_I fancy u quite a bit ok_

_get butterflies whenever u text me_

_tom? u there?_

**Yes, sorry, I’m here. I was just a bit… flushed**

_christ_

_I wish I could hug u rn_

_before I forget to ask, when is ur birthday?_

**December 31st. Will you get me a present?**

_sure_

_anything u want_

**Anything?**

_yup_

_u'll have to wait until ur birthday tho ;)_

**Ah, I should have known you’d be such a tease**

**I’ll wait patiently then**

**Until then, perhaps we could meet up?**

_I suppose so. it’s a bit nerve-wracking tho_

_when are u free?_

**Whenever. The money from your godfather will last me a while so I don’t have any jobs lined up**

_I’m free whenever too_

_christ I wish one of us were busy so we’d have a schedule to plan around_

**Tomorrow?**

_DEFINITELY not tomorrow. I need time to mentally prepare myself_

_next week maybe?_

**Next week then. I am a patient man, Harry. I will wait for as long as you need me to**

_ugh I’m not patient at all. I definitely can’t wait more than a week_

_I want to see u_

**I want to see you, too, Harry**

**Next week, then?**

_yeah, next week_

_it’s a date_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> high school au:  
>  **Harry I killed someone and need help burying the body**  
>  _bury it urself u twat I'm studying for finals_  
>  **Excuse me? Are your finals really more important than my livelihood?**  
>  _shoulda thought about that before u killed someone u dork_  
>  _ugh fine, I'll ask siri to help set something up. who'd u even kill?_  
>  **That boy who was looking at you during English class**  
>  _couldn't u just aggressively threaten him like a normal possessive boyfriend?_  
>  **Threatening is for people who don't have cool stabbing knives**  
>  _I knew I would end up regretting buying you that for christmas..._


	9. Chapter 9

_hemione, ron, I have something to tell u guys_

_it’s important, ok?_

_I’ve wanted to tell u guys for a while_

** oh fuck are you finally spilling about the mafia thing **

** took you long enough **

Ron! We promised we would be subtle!

_… what?_

_what??_

_what mafia thing?? I have no idea what ur talking about??_

_hahaha ron ur so silly??_

** *you're* so silly mate, we figured it out ages ago **

** you’re awful at keeping secrets **

Ron! He tried his best!

You wouldn’t have known if I didn’t point it out to you, anyways.

** lies I totally would have found out **

** remember a couple of years ago when that dude was making fun of me for wearing a skirt and the next day he mysteriously disappeared?  **

** way to be subtle, harry **

_ugh that guy totally deserved it tho_

_but no wait_

_wtf?? how long have u guys known?? and why didn’t u tell me??_

Well, I first figured it out in middle school. I only told Ron a year later, though.

We wanted you to tell us on your own terms, when you were ready. 

_aw what since mid??_

_man mione that’s so fucked how’d u even know_

_I was being so sneaky about it the fuck_

Harry, we see your godfather all the time. He’s quite literally a nationally renowned criminal. He’s on the news like every other month.

_ugh who even pays attention to the news nowadays_

** that’s a good point  **

** way to be a nerd, hermione **

Oh? Does someone want to be punished tonight?

** daddy no **

_U GUYS ARE SO FUCKING GROSS_

_UGH_

_CHRIST BRB I’M GONNA GO RINSE OUT MY EYEBALLS_

** aw harry don’t be salty just because you’re single  **

_ugh ur such a prat_

_anyways, that’s actually what I wanted to talk about earlier_

_I kinda sorta got a boyfriend? more or less_

** WHAT **

WHAT

_don’t act so surprised omg_

_maybe we should talk about the mafia thing first tho?_

This is one hundred times more important than the mafia thing.

** yeah bro we don’t care about that we got over it like a million years ago  **

** when tf did you get a bf?? you never leave the house  **

Exactly! And what do you mean by more or less?

_no but like, isn’t me being part of the mob a lot more important??_

Ugh, Harry shut up about the mafia already and tell us about your boy toy.

_omg fine_

_well, we haven’t exactly met yet but…_

** excuse me??  **

Oh my god you made a Grindr account didn’t you.

** oh my god  **

** my pure and innocent harry is gone forever  **

_omg I didn’t make a grindr!!_

_siri gave him my number and we started chatting, that’s all!_

_we've really been getting along_

Okay, but how do you know he isn’t a sexual predator?

_siri has met him!!_

Harry, I’m not exactly the most trusting of your godfather’s judgement.

_omg cmon I know he’s a bit quirky sometimes but u know he’d never let anyone hurt me_

** ‘a bit quirky’ mate he tried to teach me stabbing techniques when I was like twelve  **

** you're right that he’s very protective of you though…  **

** who’s the boy then?  **

_well, his name is tom and he’s an assassin_

Oh my god.

** wtf harry? are you joking? **

_don’t be so judgmental! it’s a proper profession_

_he’s a bit of a dork but he’s very sweet sometimes_

_just trust me ok? I really like him_

** give me his number  **

_what?_

** give me his number. I’m going to test him  **

_what no! that’s weird!_

Brilliant idea. Pretend like you’ve kidnapped him.

** that’s such a good idea hermione oh my god you’re the best  **

I know.

**_ give me the number harry _ **

_ughh do I have to?_

Yes.

** yes **

_ugh fine, here:_

_[Contact shared: Tom <3]_

** gross man you even put a heart next to his name? you’re so far gone  **

_shut up!!_

** ok brb I’m going undercover  **

* * *

** Are you the significant other of Harry Potter?  **

**Who is asking?**

** None of your business. We have him kidnapped. We found your number in his contacts list as ‘Tom <3’ **

** Are you willing to pay a ransom?  **

**Yes. How much?**

* * *

** fuck how much should I ask for ransom **

Ask for something unreasonable. Say two million.

_ugh omg there’s no way he’ll pay two million, he’s broke_

That’s what makes it a test, Harry.

_ughh_

* * *

** Two million.  **

**Alright. Do you require it in person or would you rather I send it to you now via the bank?**

** … Do you have two million?  **

**I will be able to acquire it. As long as you promise Harry remains safe, I will get it to you.**

* * *

** ugh fuck he passes the test  **

Damn it.

_u were hoping for him to fail??_

* * *

** Alright.  **

** yeah ok fine  **

** you pass **

**Sorry? Is Harry alright?**

** he’s fineee **

** I was just testing you  **

** I’m his friend ron  **

**Oh, I see. Nice to meet you**

* * *

**Harry? Are you alright?**

_ugh I’m fine that was just ron dicking around_

**Okay. Just wanted to make sure**

* * *

**What was the test?**

** to see if you would pay for harry’s ransom, I guess  **

**Of course I would. Money is of no concern when it comes to keeping Harry safe**

** ugh you guys are so lovey dovey already  **

** ok well, I deem you alright for now  **

** let’s meet up for a cuppa one day, yeah?  **

**Of course. Please rest assured that I treasure Harry deeply**

** man I wish you were shittier so I could just beat you up or something  **

** I’m giving you the pass for now. tread wisely  **

**Of course. I’m honored you’re giving me your approval**

* * *

** ugh I mean he’s seeming like a pretty alright guy  **

_I told u!!_

Hmm, alright. We will stand down for now. Keep the castration devices on hand, though.

_oh my god please tell me u don’t actually have those_

** always gotta stay prepared  **

_u guys are so scary…_

_thanks for being so supportive though_

_with both the tom thing and the mafia thing…_

Of course, Harry. We’ll always be here for you.

** yeah mate, we got your back  **

** thanks for not cutting off my legs that one time  **

_I WAS TEN_

* * *

_tom… I’m so tiredddd_

_too many emotional revelations_

_apparently they already knew I was in the mafia!!_

**Hm.**

_tom? u alright?_

**I’m fine.**

_really?? u can tell me if something’s up_

**I’m just a bit mad at you**

_what?! why?!_

**Do you even know how worried I was? I thought you had been kidnapped!**

**My heart was about to burst from my chest**

_oh tom…_

_I’m sorry for making u worried_

_it was ron and hermione’s idea tho!!_

**I know. I’m just a bit… raddled, is all**

_aw tom…_

_is it wrong of me to be a little happy?_

**It is absolutely wrong. I’m suffering here**

_aww <3_

_where would u even get two million from btw??_

**I was planning on borrowing money from an acquaintance of mine. He’s a bit shady, but he would get the job done. It would simply be… unpleasant paying him back**

_aww u’d do that for me?_

**There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for you, Harry**

_tom…_

**Is your contact name for me really ‘Tom <3’?**

_oh my god he mentioned that??_

_he’s the worst omg_

**How cute. I didn’t realize we were already on heart status**

_ughh go back to being mopey_

_ur so mean when u tease_

**Oh, don’t worry Harry, I’ll save the real teasing for when we meet up**

**I’ll tease you slowly and carefully… Until you beg me for me to stop**

_ahhhh_

_is this how ur getting payback?_

**Perhaps**

_I’m gonna kick ron’s ass so hard later omg_

_still, I’m glad he liked u…_

**Indeed. Now I just have Lupin left to go**

_oh my god the final boss huh…_

_well, worst case comes to worst…_

_I promise I’ll make u into a really tasty soup, ok?_

**Thank you, Harry. I’m honored**

_I’ll even add in…_

**Don’t say it**

_some really tasty…_

**Harry, don’t, I’m warning you**

_… fish_

**I’m leaving**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tom chapter 1: love? what is that? some kind of pringles flavor?  
> tom now: HOLD ON TIGHT HARRY I'M COMING FOR YOU MY DARLING STAY SAFE
> 
> harry chapter 1: hehehe let me tease this poor soul  
> harry now: STOP TEASING ME TOM I'M GETTING A BONER
> 
> is this what they call character development?
> 
> bonus:  
> remus: "!?"  
> sirius: "hm? is something wrong, honey?"  
> remus: _springs from the bed and starts sharpening his knife collection_  
>  remus: "my harry senses are tingling..."  
> tom: _suddenly gets goosebumps from across the city_  
>  sirius, internally: 'tom... good luck'


	10. Chapter 10

_what’s the best way to passive aggressively let someone know u hate them_

**… You aren’t asking so you can use it on me, right?**

_what? of course not tom omg_

_it’s my new bodyguard_

**Oh? Is he bothering you?**

_ughh I just don’t like him_

_the worst part is that he’s done nothing wrong, I just get… bad vibes from him_

**Why don’t you have your godfather find you a different one?**

_I don’t want to act too spoiled…_

**You? Spoiled? Never**

_oh shut up_

_I just want to like… prank him or something_

**A prank, huh…**

**Why don’t you try stabbing him?**

_stabbing someone is not a prank tom wtf??_

**Yes, but that’s why you say ‘Just kidding~’ afterwards**

_u can’t stab someone and then pass it off as a joke!!_

**Huh. Really? That must be why I’m never fun at parties**

_sometimes I can’t believe ur real…_

**Because I’m too good to be true?**

_sure tom_

_and I bet u’ve never even been to a party in ur life_

**What? Of course I have! I have friends too, you know**

_… you do?_

**Obviously. I have the Death Eaters, don’t I?**

_ur fan club doesn’t rlly count as a friend group, tom_

**It so does. We even have a group chat**

_seriously?! what do you even talk about?_

**Well, you know, normal things. Like the weather**

* * *

**How is everyone on this fine evening?**

B: My lord! I’ve castrated someone in your honor this morning

**How… lovely**

L: Ha, Bellatrix, you think something so simple is worthy of our lord? My group took out an entire drug cartel yesterday. And you know what? We kept the drugs for resale!

B: Drat, how clever…

**Just be careful, will you Lucius? The drug trade can be a nasty business**

L: My lord! To have your concern... I am honored.

C: My lord! I’m so sorry for being late.

**No, it’s alright, I was just remarking upon the weather**

C: Yes! It is quite lovely! The sunset looks beautiful as it shines upon the blood of the sacrifices I’ve dedicated to you.

**I just meant that the temperature was quite nice, but I am very flattered, Barty**

C: My lord! I am unworthy of such praise!

* * *

**Sunsets, and things like that**

_sunsets…? how surprisingly wholesome_

_how did u even end up having a fan club in the first place_

**I wonder… I suppose I just come across a lot of unique individuals in my line of work**

**Bellatrix, my most loyal supporter and the one that proposed starting the group, was kidnapped by a rival gang of hers**

**Her members offered me a job to take them out and rescue her, and she was quite impressed by my prowess in murder**

_how... sweet_

_so she’s a gang member?_

**Not just a member, she’s the leader. The group is called Walpurgis, if you’ve ever heard of it**

_jfc walpurgis?? siri hates those guys, they keep causing unnecessary crime in the city_

**Yes, well, they are a bit rowdy, aren’t they?**

**Back when Bella was my only member, I dubbed her my Knight of Walpurgis. Clever, hm? Isn’t it clever, Harry? I came up with it myself, you know**

_oh my god… tell me why I’ve grown to think even u being full of urself is kinda cute_

**Because everyone falls prey to my charms eventually, obviously**

**And don’t call me cute. I’d prefer you say charming or dashing. Handsome is also acceptable**

_ur so cute lol_

**…**

**I suppose your stubborn nature is also quite cute**

**In any case, once more people fell in love with me, we changed the name to Death Eaters, as not everyone was from Bella’s gang**

**I am, after all, a very inclusive lord**

_who else is in ur club?? how did u manage to fool people into thinking u were cool_

**Many others, I lose track. The only other ones of importance are Lucius and Barty, I suppose. The two of them, along with Bella, are in the group chat**

**There was no fooling necessary, I am very cool**

**Like… an iceberg**

_wow ur right. like an iceberg? that’s incredible_

**I know. I’m glad you finally understand**

_yes well I couldn’t keep lying to myself_

_not when ur as cool as an iceberg_

_how did u seduce lucius and barty?_

**Let’s see… It’s been a rather long while. If I recall correctly, Lucius came to like me after I assassinated one of his political rivals**

**And Barty… I think he was being blackmailed into working for some shady individual? And of course, shady individuals can’t blackmail you if they’re dead, which Barty appreciated**

_sometimes I forget that ur actually good at ur job_

_for some reason I just kinda assumed u’d be just as bad at it as everything else_

**What? There’s nothing I’m bad at**

_oh right I’m sorry, I must have mistaken u for a different satan fish disciple_

**Will you ever let that go?**

_probably not_

_still, I’m actually… impressed_

_now I feel bad for just sitting around all day_

**You never help your godfathers with their business?**

_mm not really. they don’t want me in danger_

_I mean, I’ve stabbed a few people, but that’s about it_

**What? You kept getting morally judgmental on me even though you’ve stabbed people yourself?**

_well, I don’t quite do it as a prank, do I?_

_my stabbing is very serious business_

**Is it now**

_it runs in the family, okay?_

**Speaking of which, you never did tell me how your godfathers met, did you?**

**I’ve shared enough stories for the moment. Tell me one of yours**

_ohh ur right huh_

_one second, let me ask_

* * *

_hey siri how did u and moony meet?_

**_what? how do you not know? I talk about it all the time!_ **

_u talk about it all the time when ur drunk… I usually start ignoring u at that point_

**_oi! I’ve been told I’m a very fun drunk >:^(_ **

_nobody tells u that_

**_dave tells me that!_ **

_dave’s full of shit he just doesn’t want to make u cry bc he knows ur emotional_

**I bet peter will think I’m a fun drunk**

_ugh peter’s a butt_

**_I bet you just don’t like him because he’s not buff and muscly like dave_ **

_I don’t judge people solely on how buff they are!! I use my gut feeling_

_the vibes_

_the ~aura~_

**_your aura is full of shit_ **

**_just give him a try, will you? he doesn’t have to stay your bodyguard forever, just for the next week or so while tensions between the gangs are high_ **

_finee_

_I’ll try_

_now hurry up and tell me about ur love story_

**_oh, right! well, it all started on a rainy night when he tried to kill me…_ **

_what?!_

**_he was quite close, too! stabbed me in the gut haha, coulda been a goner_ **

**_silly moony with his knives_ **

_nono why tf did he try to kill u?_

**_who knows? maybe he was just being shy? I’m quite handsome, after all ;^)_ **

**_I’m kidding. he was all skin and bones at the time, took any jobs given to him_ **

**_including those made by idiots who think it’s smart to try and kill mafia heads_ **

_jesus. well, what’d u do after he stabbed u?_

**_ahh well you see, harry, it was love at first sight_ **

**_as soon as he plunged that knife in, I looked into his eyes and thought…_ **

**_‘wow what a fucking hunk’_ **

_how are u still alive…_

**_in any case, my bodyguards captured him after that_ **

**_I was going to kill them for letting me get stabbed in the first place, but I figured I’d give them a pass since the hitman was so cute_ **

**_saddest part was that moony didn’t even resist, yknow? once we got him, it was like he was ready to die_ **

**_so instead I fed him, wrapped him up in a warm blanket, and seduced him with my charms_ **

**_you wouldn’t know it with how gentle he is now, but he used to be quite wild_ **

**_like a cute little kitty cat_ **

**_tried to stab me when I wasn’t looking all the time, haha_ **

_wow_

_I thought I had it tough with tom, but I stand corrected. at least he only stabs other people_

**_oh, right! how is it going between you two?_ **

_it’s… good_

_really good_

_I really like him, siri_

**_ahh, my darling harry is finally all grown up_ **

**_I knew you would, you know. papa siri has a sense for these kinds of things_ **

**_I’ll be here on the sidelines cheering you on!_**

_thanks siri_

_do u think u can help convince moony too?_

_**aw, harry, as much as I’d like to, I really value my internal organs** _

**_I’m afraid not even I can stand in front of a feral moony_ **

_**believe it or not, past remus has nothing against current remus** _

_**like… like a lone wolf becoming gentler but also stronger when protecting her pups…** _

_moony told me that the next time u called him a mama wolf, he’d make u sleep outside_

**_haha, keep it as our little secret, would you harry?_ **

_I’ll let it slide… but u owe me one, okay?_

_**anything for you, darling <3** _

* * *

_he stabbed him_

**What? Welcome back, Harry, you were gone for a bit**

_thanks. and I meant moony. he stabbed siri, that’s how they met_

_it was a hit request, apparently_

**How… quaint. And here I thought we had the unusual circumstances**

_right? now I’m actually kind of jealous that they have a better story_

**Hm… I suppose if we can’t beat their past, we’ll just have to beat their present**

**In other words, we have to be very lovey dovey, Harry. It’s our only option**

_I feel like I’m being tricked here…_

**No tricks. Here, try saying ‘Tom, I love you so much! You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever met!’**

**Actually, even better, try sending it as a voice message. I’ve been in need of a new ringtone**

_alright, one second…_

**Oh. You’ll really do it?**

_of course. unless u don’t want me to?_

**No, that’s not it at all, I was just surprised. I’d very much like to hear it**

_okay… make sure to listen closely, okay? put the phone up to ur ear…_

_[voice message sent]_

**Harry…**

**You are an enormous twat**

_< 3_

[voice message playing: “Hey, Tom, did you know? I really, really love… Dave! He’s just the sweetest. The most handsome man I’ve ever met, maybe? Hope you two get along ~”]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you liked siri and moony's meetcute, all thanks go to my darling reader elcat who suggested the following in the comments:  
> >maybe remus was sent to kill sirius, but he was caught by siri’s guards and siri, deciding he was too cute, let him off and they fell in looooove~~
> 
> cute right?! el didn't say that siri gets stabbed, but well, moony's a bit of a wild card, isn't he? always trying to kill people, how silly
> 
> and of course, for the bonus:  
> drunk sirius: "and then, right, get this-- he stabs me!"  
> dave, listening intently despite hearing the story a million times before: "that's incredible, sir. what happened next?"  
> sirius, squinting: "dave... you think I'm a fun drunk, right?"  
> dave: "absolutely, sir"  
> sirius: "right answer!" _gets out a wad of cash_ "have a little bonus for being such a good pal"  
> dave: "I couldn't possibly--"  
> sirius, waving his hand: "it's fineeee. now, listen to this, he stabs me and then--"
> 
> after drunk siri finally goes home, dave adds the money he got to the secret college funds stash he has for harry in case he ever decides to go to school


	11. Chapter 11

**You know Harry, once I listened to your voice message again and ignored the obvious lies (you don’t have to be embarrassed, Harry, I know I’m the actual most handsome man you’ve met), your voice was quite pleasant to hear**

**You have very soothing vocal inflections**

_‘u have very soothing vocal inflections’_

_who says stuff like that_

**I give you compliments and that’s how you’re going to respond?**

_right sorry_

_um thank u_

_no one’s ever really told me my voice sounds particularly nice before_

**Hmm. Well, good thing I’m here to tell you from now on, yes?**

_ugh pls don’t_

_whenever u compliment me I start getting all flustered and can’t get anything done_

**When do you ever get anything done in the first place? You don’t have a job**

_my mouth just dropped. I can’t believe u sassed me like that_

**Just a bit of revenge, darling**

**Should I go back to complimenting you? You’re quite cute when you’re embarrassed**

**Hmm, but keep your mouth dropped. Lips parted open and face flushed red is a good look on you**

_omg it’s three in the afternoon how are u this horny_

**You act nonchalant but I know you’re blushing, Harry**

_I’m blushing bc ur so lame ok_

_ur the opposite of an iceberg_

**What would be the opposite of an iceberg?**

_… a rock I guess_

**Oh, that’s perfect then, isn’t it? Given how hard they are**

**Harry?**

**… Harry?**

**Harry, it’s been three hours, please respond**

**I’m sorry**

**… Harry?**

_I have no words_

**I know. Looking back, that joke might have been a little crass. I’ll try harder next time**

_ur lucky I’m so tolerant of u being… u_

**Might I remind you that back when we were first talking, you said, and I quote, ‘psh what’s dave gonna do? spank me? he knows I’d be into it’**

_STOP_

_THST WAS AT THRED IN THE MORNING OK I GET A BIT DIFFERENT_

_I CAN’T BELIEHE U REMWMBERED THAT OMG I’M SCROLLING UP TO DWLETR IT_

**It won’t matter if you ‘dwletr’ it, I already have it screenshotted**

_WHY_

**So I can shame you, obviously**

_I HATE U_

**Ahh… Who needs to know how to cook when you have the sweet taste of payback on your lips?**

_well I hope u have fun STARVING then bc I am never cooking for u ever after that_

**Aw, Harry, don’t be like that. You’re the one that said it in the first place, I just quoted you**

_u could have taken mercy on me and forgotten it_

_three am me is my evil twin_

**That wouldn’t be any fun, now would it?**

**How about this: you forget my rock joke, and I forget about your… extracurricular activities with Dave**

_DON’T PHRASE IT LIKE THAT OMG WE DIDN’T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING_

_ugh I agree to ur terms so pls never ever mention this again ok_

**Pleasure doing business with you, darling**

**I’ve missed you these past couple of hours**

_I didn’t, I was happy to finally get a break from ur high maintenance self_

**Really?**

_… no, not really. I missed u too_

_the part about u being high maintenance is true tho_

**Hm. Do you mind if I suggest something? I was actually going to bring it up before… well, That Which Must Not Be Named**

_what did u want to suggest? if u say murder I’m leaving again_

**It’s not murder (lol). I was just thinking that we’ve been talking for a bit, have a date planned, but I’ve only ever heard your voice in that one voice message**

_I guess ur right huh_

_(wtf was up with the lol??)_

**So?**

**(You made me laugh. I was trying to demonstrate that in a cool way)**

_so what??_

_(as cool as an iceberg way?)_

**So, do you want to call?**

_oh_

_oh wow_

**You don’t want to?**

_it’s not that I don’t want to…_

_just, it’s a bit embarrassing isn’t it?_

**Is it? I quite enjoyed hearing your voice**

_see it’s bc u say stuff like that_

_it’s ok over text but if u say stuff like that over the phone I’ll get…_

**Hot and bothered?**

_yes ok_

**Well, that’s even better, isn’t it?**

_ughhh_

_yeh ok_

_I mean, I wanna hear ur voice too. it’s unfair only u know mine_

_when do u wanna call?_

**Now?**

_now?!_

**Are you busy?**

_I mean, not really…_

_ur not busy either?_

**Well, the current episode of Bake Off can wait a bit, I think. It’s only Pastry Week**

_oi! I love pastry week!_

**I’m rather fond of Bread Week, myself**

**But we’re getting off topic. Call?**

_… ok_

_are u gonna do it or should I?_

**You can do it when you’re ready**

_ok_

**Harry, not to rush you, but it’s been ten minutes**

_I know! I’m nervous ok_

_u do it_

**Alright**

[calling…]

[call disconnected]

**Harry…**

**If we want to call, you have to actually accept the call first**

_I got scared ok!_

_I won’t do it again I promise_

_I'm ready_

[calling…]

[call connected]

_“…”_

**“…”**

_“Um. Hi.”_

**“Hello, Harry. Lovely to hear you.”**

_“Ah—"_

[call disconnected]

**…Harry?**

_I didn;t_

_I mena_

_I didn’t expect ur voice to sound like that??_

**Like what?**

_like… nice??_

_really nice??_

**Were you expecting me to sound bad?**

_no!_

_but I didn’t expect it to be so… sultry?_

**Sultry, hm? Well, if you like it so much, perhaps we can continue the call?**

_I’ll try but my heart can only take so much ok? try to be less seductive this time_

**I’ll try**

[calling…]

[call connected]

**“Harry?”**

_“—nngh, yes, I’m here. Are you trying? It doesn’t sound like you’re trying.”_

**“I’m not quite sure how to do what you’re asking, if I’m honest.”**

_“Just—just tone it down a bit. Try whispering, maybe?”_

**“Like this?”**

_“Ugh, fuck, never mind, now it’s like a sexy ASMR video and I’m getting tingles. No more whispering.”_

**“Alright. I’m not sure what ASMR is, though.”**

_“It’s—I mean, like, people making sounds? That sound good? They whisper a lot.”_

**“How frightening.”**

_“Christ, I’m explaining it badly. Just look it up later.”_

**“Mhmm, I’ll make sure to do so.”**

_“Can you not do that? The ‘mhmm’ thing? It sounds like moaning.”_

**“I was just voicing my agreement, Harry.”**

_“Yes, well, do it differently. Take responsibility for having such a deep voice.”_

**“I feel like I’m having unfair burdens being placed on me.”**

_“What’s unfair is that you sound like that, okay?”_

**“Mhmm, of course, Harry. My apologies.”**

_“I told you to not—are you laughing? You’re laughing, aren’t you? I can hear you.”_

**“Sorry, sorry. I just didn’t expect you to be so cute. So easily flustered. It’s endearing.”**

_“…”_

**“Harry?”**

_“…Can you not? Say things like that? I’m struggling enough—stop laughing!”_

**“I can’t imagine how our date is going to be if you get this embarrassed just over the phone.”**

_“You’re right, let’s postpone it.”_

**“No! Don’t be like that, Harry.”**

_“Nope, we’re postponing it. A thousand years minimum.”_

**“A thousand years?!”**

_“You said you’d wait, didn’t you?”_

**“I did, but, if I’m an iceberg, I’d already be melted by then… Take pity on me, will you, darling? Global warming is tough—Harry, are you laughing? Are you laughing at me?”**

_“It’s just—I can’t believe you actually said—”_

**“It’s lovely to hear you laugh, Harry.”**

_“I changed my mind. I’m not postponing it.”_

**“Oh? I’m glad.”**

_“Mhmm, I want to see you. See if you’re as much of a dork in real life.”_

**“I’m going to ignore the latter part of that statement. I want to see you too.”**

_“What should we do? We never made any actual plans.”_

**“You could always come over to my place?”**

_“Oh? You think I’m gonna put out on the first date?”_

**“I was being entirely innocent, we could simply watch a movie on the couch. You don’t think I’d be able to control myself?”**

_“I’m more worried about me not being able to control myself…”_

**“Is it possible to screenshot a phone call?”**

_“No-pe. And I’m not saying it again. What would we watch? We can watch your beloved Sherlock.”_

**“Ah—but then you’d force me to choose between the two men of my dreams.”**

_“You wouldn’t choose me over Cumberbatch?”_

**“Well…”**

_“Oi!”_

**“I’m kidding. I’ll always choose you.”**

_“…”_

**“Are you flustered again?**

_“Just a bit. Do you want to get food first? Before I come over.”_

**“Sure. Where would you like to go?”**

_“Ah… The Leaky Cauldron, maybe? I go there sometimes with Siri and Moony because we get a discount.”_

**“Oh?”**

_“We… ‘helped them out’ a while back, so to say.”_

**“Of course. Alright, Leaky Cauldron it is. I’m paying, of course.”**

_“Are you sure? I don’t mind paying.”_

**“Didn’t you say you wanted a sugar daddy? Hashtag bougie problems? I looked up what a hashtag was just for you.”**

_“Ahhhhh—why do you keep referencing the three a.m. conversation?? I thought we agreed not to talk about it?? You’re going to make me cry, Tom.”_

**“Only promised not to talk about the spanking bit, darling.”**

_“You are the WORST. Do you know that? I hope you know that.”_

**“I know. You still like me, though.”**

_“A tiny bit. A miniscule bit.”_

**“I’ll take what I can get.”**

_“You’re so—ahh, wait, hold on.”_

**“Harry?”**

_“Crap, Dave’s calling me, gotta go.”_

**“Oh, already? Are you heading off to dinner?”**

_“Well, it’s either that or the fact that I switched Peter’s shampoo with blue hair dye… Not that he had much hair to begin with.”_

**“Shame you didn’t go for the stabbing option.”**

_“Perhaps next time. But, um, this was—nice.”_

**“Yes, I agree.”**

_“We can—do it again? If you want to, that is.”_

**“I definitely want to. Enjoy your dinner, Harry.”**

_“Thanks, Tom. Love you.”_

**“Harry—”**

_“I MEAN. No, I mean, that was just, instinctual?? Um. Um. Please ignore that oh my god. It’s just that I usually only call Siri or Remus or Hermione or Ron or Dave and that’s just how I always end the call and I didn’t mean to—”_

**“Harry, it’s alright, I understand.”**

_“Christ, I’m so embarrassed…”_

**“Don’t be, it was lovely to hear. Shame I didn’t have it recorded. But more importantly… you tell Dave you love him over the phone?”**

_“Yeah? I mean, I do love him, so.”_

**“Hm.”**

_“I can’t believe I just heard the passive aggressive ‘hm’ over the phone. What a momentous occasion. I should mark the calendar.”_

**“Can’t you go back to being embarrassed? It was much nicer.”**

_“Too late, I’ve entered sass mode.”_

**“Go have dinner, Harry.”**

_“I will. We’re having fi—”_

[call disconnected]

_fish_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I turned off auto-capitalization on my phone not too long ago and I felt so much... stronger? It's incredible, I felt like a whole new person. Like, 'oh, look at you mortals being bound by the rules of punctuation and grammar, not me. I am lowercase now." They should put this on a mental wellness guide, honestly. Harry knows what's up
> 
> also, everyone really liked dave?! I'm so happy! hope the fan club enjoys this bonus:  
> ten year old harry: "dave, dave, come here!"  
> dave: "yes? what is it, sir?"  
> harry, pouting: "I told you to call me harry"  
> dave: "apologies, sir, but that's--"  
> harry: "ugh, never mind, just sit down"  
> dave, sitting down: "sir?"  
> harry: "here!" _puts a flower crown on dave's head_  
>  dave, eyebrows furrowed: "this is... for me, sir?"  
> harry, beaming: "yeah!" _sits down in dave's lap_ "now help me make another one! that way we can match"
> 
> harry teaches dave how to make flower crowns and the two of them come home with daisies in their hair
> 
> dave pressed the crown in an old book and now keeps it on his bedside drawer, eleven years later


	12. Chapter 12

_[img attached]_

_my toes_

**…Harry? Why are you sending me a picture of your toes?**

_I just thought they needed a little attenton :(_

**Right. Well, tell your toes I think they are doing a splendid job**

_[img attached]_

_he says thx_

_u can’t tell but he’s blushing lol_

_he wnts to give u a kiss_

_*kiss*_

_that wasn’t frm me, that was frm the toe_

**Are you feeling alright, Harry?**

_I might be a lil tipsy_

_but only a wittle bit_

_wittle bittle_

**Right…**

**What were you drinking, Harry?**

_some 50% shit siri had in his clset_

_haha clset bc he’s gay_

_it tasted like ASS_

_not even the good kind ;(_

**Why were you drinking it then?**

_I wnted to get ptr drnk_

_peter*_

_vowels r sucha pain in the ass lol_

**Did you succeed at least?**

_nO fcker drank so mch and didn’t even gt drnk_

_smh no respect_

_I tried to get dave <3 to drink 2 but he said no :(_

**Why did you put a heart next to Dave’s name?**

_bc I loooove him_

_silly_

**Hm. You should put a heart next to my name too then**

_I alwaus do_

_tom <3_

_it’s just implied mst of the time_

_silly_

_haha I bet ur blshing and that’s y u haven’t responded yt_

_cUTIE_

**Do you drink often, Harry?**

_noooot often_

_frm time to time_

**Do you have someone looking over you? As cute as you are at the moment, I do hope you’re safe**

_ok one: at the moment??? I am aLways cut_

_cute_

_also two: I’m not cute UR cute_

_dummy_

_also I hav dave <3_

**Dave’s taking care of you?**

_yeh_

_he couldn’t stop me from getting wet tho_

**What? Why did you get wet?**

_it started raining so I ran around_

_dave tried to catch me but I was too fst_

_zoom zoom_

_bt then I fell down_

_so sad_

**Did you get cleaned up? You didn’t get hurt, did you?**

_mhmmmmmm_

_cleaning up rn_

_am v naked_

_[img attached]_

**Harry, out of consideration for your sober self, I will delete that image**

_sober me wnts 2 send u dick pics all the time_

_I’m doing him a FAVOR_

_[img attached]_

**I will make sure to ask sober you his thoughts on the matter tomorrow. For now, I assure you I won’t keep the photos**

_;(((_

_u don’t think I’m sexy?_

**I think you’re very sexy, Harry**

_ok_

_I’ll hav sober me send u pics tmrw_

_I trust him_

_he’s very lovey dovey_

**Oh, is he?**

_yaa talks about u ALL THE TIME_

_I luv u more tho_

_even tho we’re the same persno_

_me n sober me not me n u lol_

_imagine me n u were the same person_

_shared a soul_

_sExy_

**Very. You should tell me more about how much you love me**

_oh man_

_SO much_

_on a scale of 1 to 10_

_ELVEN_

_eleven**_

_sober me is only a ten_

_loser_

**I’ll have to tell sober you to listen to your advice more often. You seem very wise**

_right??_

_aw man_

_[img attached]_

_scraped my knee :(_

**You should have Dave clean it for you. We wouldn’t want it getting infected**

_ur not gonna kiss it better??_

**As much as I’d love to, I’m a bit far away at the moment, darling**

_my toe kissed u_

_do it like that_

***kiss***

**Feel better?**

_so much better_

_ok I’m gonna hav dave <3 look at it_

_and then sleep_

**Alright. Sweet dreams, Harry. No more running around in the rain**

_ok_

_only for u_

_night night <3_

* * *

_OH MY GOD_

**Good morning, Harry. Did you sleep well?**

_yes and I wish I nEVER WOKE UP_

**What’s wrong? Are you alright?**

_am I alright?? am I alright??_

_NO_

_are u just gonna pretend like the stuff I sent yesterday didn’t happen??_

**Oh, you’re talking about that? It wasn’t so bad, Harry. You don’t have to be embarrassed**

_I HAD MY TOE KISS U_

**It was a very nice gesture and I appreciated it**

_I sent u NUDES_

_thank u for deleting them_

_u DID delete them right??_

**I did, Harry. Of course I did**

**Although, drunk you did say that sober you very much wanted to send me dick pics…**

_drunk me is full of SHIT_

_he said one (1) thing right and that is that I love dave_

**Are you saying that on a scale of one to ten on how much you love me, you aren’t a ten?**

_I am a NEGATIVE ONE_

**I even kissed your scraped knee for you!**

_ya I saw_

_I bet u made it worse_

_I bet my knee wants to stab people now_

_u’ve corrupted it_

**At least your knee has a chance of gaining a proper profession, unlike you**

_u shut ur mouth_

_I’m never getting drunk again_

_I should have listened to dave_

**Don’t you mean Dave <3?**

_if u think I’m embarrassed about that u are WRONG_

_there is only one solution to this_

**Oh?**

_u have to drunk text me_

_it’s only fair_

**If I do, will you kiss my booboos for me?**

_yes_

_but u have to run around in the rain_

**What an interesting proposition…**

**I will see what I can do. Although I must say, my tolerance is quite high. Unlike yours (lol)**

_I have high tolerance too!! I just drank a lot omg_

_u’d be wasted too if u drank that nasty ass shit siri had_

_peter is just some kind of monstrosity of man_

**I’ll ask Lucius to bring something. It’s been a while since the two of us have enjoyed a drink together**

_oi! that’s unfair! lucius will get see drunk u and I won’t!!_

**I’ll still text you, Harry, no worries**

_grr_

_video call then_

**You want our first video call to be when I’m drunk?**

_yes_

**And you call ‘me’ high maintenance…**

_shut up!!_

_I just don’t want luci to have all the fun_

**Are you jealous?**

_nO_

_shut up_

_shut up!_

**I didn’t say anything!**

_I could hear u being smug from over here!_

_ugh I’m going back to sleep_

_see u at like three in the afternoon_

**Must be nice to be a freeloader…**

_GOODBYE_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> harry, smashing down a bottle of gin: "drink with me"  
> peter: "what?"  
> harry, pouring him a cup: "if not you're fired"  
> dave: "sir, I don't know if that's a good idea--"  
> harry: "SHUT"  
> 2 hr later  
> dave: "sir, I don't think you should drink anymore..."  
> harry: "I CAN'T STOP WHEn PETER'S NOT EVEN dRUNK"  
> peter: "hahaha I've never gotten drunk in my life you fool"  
>  _starts raining_  
>  harry: "THE WATER GODS ARE CALLING ME"  
> dave: "sir, wait--"  
> harry: _sprints outside and runs around in the rain_  
>  harry: _falls_  
>  harry: _starts crying_  
>  dave: "sir... let's get you cleaned up"  
> harry, tears running down his face: _hiccups_ "okay..."  
> harry: "this is all your fault peter!"  
> peter: "I didn't do anything!"  
> harry, still crying: "dave, can you get tom? please?"  
> dave: "that would be a bit difficult, sir"  
> harry: "but I want tom" _sobs_ "tom where are you? tom?"  
> dave: "sir... here's your phone. how about you get cleaned up and then talk to tom, hm?"  
> harry, hugging dave: _sniffs_ "thanks, dave... love you"  
> dave: "...love you too, sir"


	13. Chapter 13

**The drinking escapades have begun**

_omg rlly?? I’m so excited. what are u drinking?_

**Who knows? The bottle is unlabeled. I think it’s one of Lucius’ homebrews**

_umm is that safe?? u won’t die?_

**The Great Lord Voldemort would never be killed by something as mundane as vodka**

**It’s only 80%, anyways**

_jesus_

_are u feeling tipsy yet? how much have u drank already?_

**A couple of glasses. I don’t think I’m drunk yet, though**

**Lucius, on the other hand…**

**[img attached]**

_is his… head stuck in a chandelier?_

**Yes. Seems like he’s in a bit of a pickle**

**But the pickle is a chandelier**

**(lol)**

_I genuinely can’t tell if ur drunk or not_

_are u ok to video call?_

**I have been ready to call all day, Harry. Hit me baby**

_nvm ur definitely tipsy…_

[calling…]

[call connected]

_“Tom?”_

**“Harry, lovely to see you! You look stunning as always. Is that a hat?”**

_“That’s just my hair, actually. Also, your webcam isn’t turned on.”_

**“What, really? Let me see… Oh, you’re right. How do you turn it on?”**

_“You just—”_

**“Lucius, get over here! Help me turn on this camera!”**

L: “Right away, my lord!”

_“Tom? Are you okay? I heard a crashing sound.”_

**“It’s fine, Lucius just broke the chandelier. I’ll buy a new one. Lucius! Hurry up and turn on the camera.”**

L: “Of course, my lord!”

_“Oh, um—hi, Lucius. You have a bit of glass in your hair.”_

**“Lucius! Hurry up and give me the phone, Harry doesn’t want to see your bougie blonde locks. He wants to see _me_. Right, Harry? Look, it’s me.”**

_“I see you, but… what are you wearing?”_

**“Are you talking about my kaleidoscope glasses?”**

_“Is that what those are?”_

**“I bought them from a street vendor. She said they would increase my life expectancy by ten years.”**

_“Tom, I think you got scammed…”_

**“Absolutely not! I could feel their power coursing through my veins as soon as I put them on. I mean, the world looks completely different!”**

_“Yes, that’s because you’re wearing kaleidoscope glasses—”_

**“Were you always so… magenta-colored, Harry?”**

_“No, like I was saying, it’s the glasses—”_

**“Lucius, get over here! Come look at Harry.”**

L: “Right away, my lord! This is your husband that you were talking about?”

**“Yes. Isn’t he beautiful? He’s not always this pink, though. I think it might be a video call thing.”**

_“No, Tom, listen, it’s the glass—wait what?! Husband?”_

L: “I’m very pleased to meet you, Harry. I hope you take good care of our lord.”

_“No no no, we’re not married??”_

**“Harry, darling, it’s alright. You don’t have to be embarrassed. It was a splendid wedding.”**

_“What wedding?!”_

**“Did you forget already? It was on an iceberg… All of our friends came to visit: Hermione, Ron, the fish…”**

_“Tom, this was a fever dream. This did not happen.”_

**“Do you—do you not love me anymore? Is that what you’re saying?”**

_“What? No! I’m just saying that—Tom! Don’t cry!”_

**“I’m not crying, my eyes are simply leaking. It must be a side effect of the glasses.”**

_“Tom, I can hear you sniffling! I’m sorry, I lied. We are married, it was a wonderful wedding.”_

**“I knew you would come around eventually, Harry.”**

L: “My lord! Why are you crying?”

**“Shut up, Lucius! I’m crying because I’m stuck with your horrid company rather than that of my darling’s. When did you dye your hair purple?”**

_“Tom, can you listen to me?”_

**“Of course, Harry, what is it?”**

_“Can you take those glasses off for me?”_

**“The magic ones? Ah, I see, you’re missing my beautiful smoldering eyes, aren’t you? I understand. Let me take them off.”**

_“Alright, thanks. …Tom? Tom, what are you doing?”_

**“It’s just—these are a bit harder to take off than I thought.”**

_“They’re on your face, Tom.”_

**“I know, it’s just… Hold on, I think I have them… No wait, that’s just my nose…”**

_“Tom, you’re so far gone…”_

**“Did I get them? Are they off?”**

_“No, Tom, they’re still on. You’re on the floor now though.”_

**“Lucius! Get these glasses off of me, I think they’re cursed.”**

L: “Right away, my lord. Let me just, ah—”

**“Lucius, you shithead—”**

L: “I’m so sorry, my lord, I just tripped and—”

_“Tom? Are you okay? You dropped your phone, I can’t see you.”_

**“I’m here, Tom. I mean Harry. I’m Tom. One second—there, can you see me? You look a lot different.”**

_“I’m glad you finally got the glasses off.”_

**“Thank you. Lucius knocked them off when he crashed into me.”**

L: “I’m sorry, my lord, it was the aerodynamics of—”

**“It was the aerodynamics of me beating your ass, Lucius. Go pour me another drink, will you?”**

_“You’re a lot more high-maintenance when drunk than I expected, Tom…”_

**“What? I’m not even drunk, Harry. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Thank you for the drink, Lucius.”**

_“Mhmm. Did you run around in the rain yet?”_

**“It didn’t rain tonight, unfortunately. I came up with an alternative plan, though.”**

_“Oh?”_

**“Yes. Lucius, come here! Enact the Rain Operation!”**

L: “Certainly, my lord!”

_“Tom? Why is Lucius picking you up?”_

**“It’s all according to plan, darling. Just wait.”**

_“Alright. Where is he taking you?? Is this… the bathroom?”_

**“Hold my phone, Lucius. I don’t want it to get wet.”**

_“Tom? What are you doing?”_

**“Alright, Lucius. Drop me in!”**

_“Tom? What are you—TOM! OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”_

**“Brilliant job, Lucius. The plan is a success.”**

_“WHY DID HE DROP YOU IN THE BATHTUB??”_

**“The term is DIY, Harry. Do you know what that means? It means Do-It-Yourse—”**

_“No, but why are you in the bathtub?? When did you even fill it up?”_

**“When and why does not matter, Harry. What matters is that I am now soaked by a metaphorical rain, which means, according to the contract, that you have to kiss my booboos.”**

_“You are absolutely terrifying… Do you even have any booboos?”_

**“You see, Harry, that’s step two… Lucius, get out the fancy stabbing knives!”**

_“TOM, DO NOT STAB YOURSELF.”_

**“What? How did you know step two of the operation? Are you spying on me, Harry?”**

_“Just—just don’t stab yourself, Tom, okay?”_

**“Are you even listening to yourself, Harry? How else will I get kisses?”**

_“I’ll give them to you normally, okay? I promise.”_

**“Then what did I get in the bathtub for? I’m all soaked!”**

_“That’s a very good question, Tom.”_

**“Well, it’s fine. Lucius, come help me take these off!”**

_“Tom, you’re not stripping, are you—Tom!”_

**“Don’t act so shy, darling. Did you forget our honeymoon? You were a total animal.”**

_“Tom!”_

**“Right, sorry, not in front of Lucius, I understand. Regardless, it’s fine. The camera will only show the top part anyways. You’ll just see my stellar nipples.”**

_“I don’t want to see your nipples!”_

**“You’re very bad at lying, Harry. Everyone loves my nipples. They’re perky.”**

_“I bet Lucius doesn’t want to see your nipples!”_

**“That’s not true, right, Lucius?”**

L: “You have very wonderful nipples, my lord.”

**“Thank you. Let’s go back to the living room. How are you, Harry? I never asked.”**

_“I’m… alright.”_

**“Are you blushing? You’re so cute, Harry, is the sight of my toned torso too much for you?”**

_“The more you talk, the less attractive it gets.”_

**“Yes, yes. You’re so shy. Now, where were we… Oh, right, the kisses!”**

_“Yes, the kisses… You only get one, okay? Because you only gave me one.”_

**“I suppose that’s only fair. Then, I want an eskimo kiss.”**

_“An… eskimo kiss?”_

**“Yes, Harry. Get your nose centered. Good, now lean in… Perfect. Now, when I say go, we’ll bump our noses against the webcam, alright?”**

_“Okay…”_

**“…Go. Brilliant, could you feel that? That was my nose.”**

_“Your nose is awfully hard, Tom.”_

**“The wi-fi has that effect. Thank you for the kiss, Harry.”**

_“No problem, Tom. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”_

**“I’m sorry I couldn’t get drunk though, I hope you aren’t too disappointed.”**

_“I’m definitely not disappointed. Just make sure not to go outside, alright?”_

**“What? But what about my murder plans?”**

_“No murder plans for tonight, Tom. I’m sorry.”_

**“Lucius, did you hear that? Harry says no murder for today.”**

L: “What? But what about my streak?”

**“You’ll have to break it for tonight, I’m afraid. Harry’s words are absolute. You still have a bit of chandelier in your hair, by the way.”**

_“Make sure not to step on the glass, okay, Tom?”_

**“You’re so demanding today, I like it… Come on, order me around some more.”**

_“Um—make sure to drink lots of water?”_

**“Very sexy. I’m getting goosebumps.”**

_“Put on a shirt, maybe? Or at least some underwear?”_

**“Well, since you gave me a choice, I’ll only be doing the underwear. Lucius, go get me some boxers!”**

_“Is Lucius your manservant or something? Why do you keep ordering him around? I feel bad for him!”_

**“No need to feel bad, that lap dance I gave him was worth a year’s allowance.”**

_“What?! You gave Lucius a lap dance?!”_

**“The best one I’ve done in years. I was afraid I’d gotten a bit rusty, but I’m still just as skillful as ever.”**

_“Don’t give Lucius lap dances, Tom! What the fuck?!”_

**“Are you jealous, Harry?”**

_“Yes! Did you forget we were married? I can’t believe you did this to me!”_

**“I’m sorry, Harry. I promise it was a purely platonic lap dance.”**

_“It better have been! You better make this up to me later!”_

**“How can I make it up? Do you also want a lap dance?”**

_“Yes! And it has to be better than Luci’s! And it has to be non-platonic!”_

**“Your wish is my command, darling. You’ll have to wait until the second date, though. We wouldn’t want things getting too heated right away.”**

_“…Fine. Did you put on some underwear yet?”_

**“Yes, they are very snug. Do you want to see?”**

_“Ye—no! No, I do not! Do you know why, Tom? Because you’re drunk!”_

**“Pshhhh, I’m not drunk.”**

_“You couldn’t even get those glasses off!”_

**“That’s because they were cursed, actually.”**

_“Oh my—is Luci okay? I haven’t seen him in a while.”_

**“Hm? Let me look… Oh, there he is. He’s just passed out in the kitchen. Let me get him a blanket…”**

_“Maybe you should move him to the couch?”_

**“But then I might end up getting glass on my couch… He never got it off his hair.”**

_“Oh, you’re right… Well, just leave him there then.”_

**“Brilliant. I suppose I should head to bed soon too.”**

_“It is pretty late, huh? It was nice seeing you, Tom.”_

**“You too. Did I mention how beautiful you look yet? My heart is pounding.”**

_“…Thanks, Tom. Mine is too.”_

**“I mean it, you know. I’m very fond of you. I lo—I like you quite a bit. More than I thought was possible for someone like me.”**

_“Oh, Tom… I really like you too, you know that, right?”_

**“Promise?”**

_“Promise.”_

**“Will you give me a good night kiss?”**

_“With the noses again?”_

**“Yes. Okay, bump the camera when I say go…. Go.”**

_“Did you feel it?”_

**“Yes. Your nose was a bit hard, though.”**

_“Yes, well, you know. The wi-fi and all that.”_

**“You have such a lovely smile, Harry. Oh, are you blushing? So cute.”**

_“…Shut up, Tom. Good night.”_

**“Good night, love.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the kaleidoscope glasses part is based off a true story. the chandelier part... is also based off a true story
> 
> if drunk tom ever teamed up with drunk harry, I'm not sure the world would survive
> 
> bonus:  
> tom: _wakes up_  
>  tom: _sees lucius sleeping on the floor under a kitten blanket and a broken chandelier_  
>  tom: "lucius! lucius, wake up!"  
> lucius, groggy: "...my lord? what is it?"  
> tom: "why are you using my kitten blanket?"  
> lucius, noticing the chandelier: "oh my god, my lord! I'm so sorry about your chandelier. I know there is no excuse but--"  
> tom: "I don't care about the chandelier, you idiot. why are you using my kitten blanket? that's my favorite blanket!"  
> lucius: "I'm sorry, my lord. I think you gave it to me last night..."  
> tom: "what? ludicrous. I would never share my fluffy kittens with anyone! hurry up and hand it back"  
> lucius: _hands back the blanket and wipes the glass from his hair_  
>  tom, speaking to the kitten blanket: "I'm sorry, my darlings, did that bad bad man steal you away? it's okay, you're safe with daddy now. shhh"


	14. Chapter 14

_wakey wakey bitch_

_are u hungover?_

_I hope so_

**I am not. In the first place, I didn’t drink too much**

_HA YEAH OK_

_u were fucking wasted tf u talking about lol_

**I don’t understand. I wasn’t even drunk**

_UMM_

_that is a very WRONG statement_

**I might have been slightly tipsy, but that’s about it**

**Lucius, on the other hand, got so drunk that he stole my kitten blanket! Can you believe that?**

_u mean the blanket u used to cover luci after he passed out?_

**I did no such thing!**

**As if I would subject my fluffy kittens to that… pompous peacock of a man**

**He isn’t actually blonde, do you know that? He’s the only one in the family who isn’t, so he lies about it**

**Pretends like he’s naturally blonde like the silly yacht man he is**

_one: I bet ur just jealous u don’t have a yacht and that’s why u bully luci_

_two: is this how u convince urself ur never drunk? u just forget what a disaster u were?_

**One: I don’t need a yacht, they’re silly devices for silly people**

**Two: Absolutely not. I remember everything (because I’m a genius). I simply don’t get drunk**

_mhmm_

_then u remember having luci drop ur dummy thicc ass into the bathtub? that wasn’t u being drunk?_

**That was a metaphor, Harry. I was soaked in a symbolic rain so I could acquire kisses. It was actually an ingenious business transaction**

_ur full of shit_

_what about when u couldn’t take off ur kaleidoscope glasses?? and were like ‘ooOH they’re cURsed’ like the whiny drunk man u were_

**Well, maybe they *were* cursed**

_what??_

**Now look, Harry, I would not consider myself a religious man, nor a spiritual one. But there are many things in this world that are hard to explain**

**In other words, it is not impossible that a witch sold me cursed glasses in an attempt to sabotage me. I have many enemies**

_are u sure ur not still drunk??_

**Absolutely. I am as sober as…**

**As a very sober thing.**

_yeah I can tell_

**If you doubt me, you can ask Lucius. He will testify for my soberness**

_luci licks ur ass tom u can’t trust his opinion_

_I bet he’d give u his yacht if u asked him_

**I don’t want his horrible yacht. No sensible individual wants to go anywhere near large bodies of water**

_omg tom if I didn’t know any better I’d say u didn’t know how to swim_

_…tom?_

_tom u still there?_

_are u telling me u actually can’t swim?_

**Do I look like a dolphin to you, hmm, Harry? Do I have flippers?**

**No I do not. Do you know why? Because I am a human. And humans walk on land**

_tom… ur so cute_

_I can’t believe u can’t swim lol_

_should I buy u little floatie devices? with little kitty cats on them?_

**You don’t need to, because I am never going to submerge myself in water deeper than that of my bathtub’s**

_what if I asked u to go on a pool date with me?_

**I would say no**

_u’d say no to a date with me?_

**…I would say yes but I simply wouldn’t swim**

_what if I wanted u to? and said pretty please_

**You’d say pretty please?**

_absolutely_

_I’d beg on my knees_

**Well then. I suppose I’ll have to buy some floaties then**

_yES_

_thanks tom ur the best_

_it’s ok I’ll help u swim. I am a swimming master_

_I go zoom zoom_

_and at least u’ll get a chance to show off ur perky nipples_

**I can show off my perky nipples any time, Harry. I don’t need to use swimming as an excuse**

_I was kind of hoping u’d be embarrassed by yesterday’s nipple thing_

**Why would I be embarrassed by my nipples? They are very wonderful**

**Quite sensitive**

_are they really?_

**You’re more than welcome to find out any time, darling**

_mm yes I’ll have to do so_

_when is our date again?_

**In a week?**

_nono it was in a week like… four or five days ago_

**Really?**

**I suppose we should plan to meet up this weekend then. Saturday, perhaps?**

_…_

_actually maybe we should postpone it_

**What happened to your enthusiasm to play with my nipples? I was getting all excited**

_ugh I wannaaa_

_but I’m nervous ;(_

**Why would you be nervous?**

_I dunno I mean_

_what if u don’t like me?_

**I can’t possibly envision that happening. How could I ever dislike someone as exquisite as you?**

**I already like you so much it’s unbearable**

_I hate it when u turn on ur charm like this_

_like, are u trying to kill me? I thought we got past that?_

**I’d never kill someone as lovely as you, darling**

**In any case, I don’t think you’ll be any less nervous if we postpone it**

**Isn’t it better to just take the plunge?**

_u can’t make swimming metaphors when u can’t swim tom_

_but ur right tho_

_saturday? at the leaky cauldron?_

**Yes. At noon, perhaps?**

_alright_

_that gives me two days to prepare my heart_

**No amount of preparation will ready yourself for how stunning I am**

**I’m even better in real life, Harry**

_by ‘better’ do u mean that ur ego is even more outrageously big than it is now_

**That’s not the only thing about me that’s outrageously big**

_that was one of the WORST ones yet_

_it’s 'hard as a rock' tier_

**The rock one was definitely worse. This one was at least one tier higher**

_it’s one tier higher but like, one tier higher from negative three_

_so negative four_

_I mean negative two_

_I fucking hate math_

**It’s alright, it’s not like you have to do math in your profession**

**Your profession being, of course, absolutely nothing**

_fuck u tom_

_at least my chandelier isn’t broken_

**At least I have cool kaleidoscope glasses. They’re one of a kind, you know**

_I thought u said they were cursed_

**Yeah, cursed to make me unbearably sexy**

_are u implying that without the glasses ur not sexy?_

**I’m always sexy. But when I wear the glasses I get… Sexy Plus**

_incredible_

_as sexy as an iceberg_

**Exactly**

**No. What? Icebergs aren’t sexy at all**

_I think ur being a bit mean to the icebergs_

**Icebergs don’t have feelings, Harry**

_yeh ur kitten blanket doesn’t have feelings either_

**You take that back right now**

**My kitten blanket and I are a package deal**

_omg fine I take it back_

_I’m sure ur little kittens are wonderful and sentient_

_unlike icebergs, which aren’t sexy or sentient at all_

_are u happy?_

**Very happy**

_in any case, we’re already married so it’s too late to go back_

**What?**

_did u forget? we had that whole wedding with satan fish walking u down the aisle and everything_

**Ah, I see. This is about what I said yesterday?**

_glad u finally caught on tom_

_yes I am talking about when u were """not drunk"""_

**You see, Harry, I wasn’t drunk**

**The thing is, we *are* married**

**It simply happened in a parallel universe and I was lucky enough to catch glimpses of it**

_and in this parallel universe we got married on an iceberg?_

**Yes. A very unsexy iceberg, may I add**

**Well, I mean, it was a very nice looking iceberg. Because it was a wedding iceberg**

**But it wasn’t sexy**

_I bet in this parallel universe I’m cheating on u with the iceberg_

**Absolutely not, you love me in every single universe. It’s simply the way it is**

_ur sounding very confident here_

**Obviously. Don’t you know, Harry? We’re meant to be. Whether it’s in this universe or the next**

_u go from saying the weirdest shit to saying something romantic like this so often that I get whiplash_

**It’s called being complex, Harry, you should try it**

**I have layers**

_just like a rock?_

**Yes. Exactly like a rock**

**It doesn’t matter how many silly things I say, you’re head over heels for me anyways**

_I’m only using u for ur kitten blanket_

**Ludicrous. I know you love me and Death equally**

_…death?_

**It’s my blanket’s name. My kittens are very fierce**

_that is a HORRIBLE name for ur fuzzy kitten blanket_

**It is a wonderful name. Together, Death and I rule over the criminal underground**

_now I’m feeling kind of jealous_

_I should get my own blanket_

_fish blanket_

**No need, I’m sure you and Death will get along just fine**

**We can snuggle together**

_u’d share ur important blanket with me?_

**For you, Harry, I’d do anything**

_omg_

_I’m done_

_I can’t handle any more of ur… sexy seduction things_

_I’m gonna go eat breakfast_

**Alright, hope you have a nice meal, Harry**

**Tell Dave I said hi**

_sure. tell death I said hi_

**Will do**

**Death says ‘meow’**

_so cute_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tom finally collected the three deathly hallows--iceberg, rock, and fish-- and became the master of death: the kitten blanket
> 
> wuzzles was a close second for the name, thank u @moth for the suggestion
> 
> the truth comes out:  
> lucius: _sleeps_  
>  luci: _GASPS_  
>  luci: _wakes up drunk under a blanket and chandelier glass_  
>  luci: "where am I"  
> luci: _walks around_  
>  luci: _finds a kitten blanket on the couch_  
>  luci: "these cats... they remind me of my long lost son draco"  
> draco ten miles away at malfoy manor: "dad i'm right here"  
> lucius: _dramatically covers himself in the kitten blanket_  
>  death: "wtf lucius"  
> lucius: _falls asleep on the glass again_
> 
> in conclusion: tom did NOT give away his fluffy blanket, it was bamboozled from him in the middle of the night by a posh yacht man
> 
> public broadcast: if you guys are thirsty for more tomarry crack contact, consider checking out mr. tom, a dildo lover-- a recent collaborative work between some fellow fanfiction writers. it can't quite be described properly in words, you'll have to discover the mystery for yourself, loves. enjoy (or despise? i'm sure it'll make you feel something special)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beep beep. what's that? oh, it's an update!  
> (so sorry for the wait everyone, I hope you enjoy!)

**One more day, Harry**

_omg_

_don’t tell me that kind of stuff while I’m eating my cereal_

_I almost choked_

**You’ll be choking on something else soon enough**

_tom it is NINE in the morning_

**You’re right, I’m sorry. What cereal are you eating?**

_cocoa puffs, obviously_

_they are the superior cereal_

**They’re quite sugary. Are you sure you’re eating healthy?**

_u have nO right to talk to me about eating healthy_

_ur ass is probably 90% ramen noodle_

**Well, I have been told it is quite the pleasure to eat me out**

_I don’t understand what ur end goal is here_

_make me pop a boner while eating my cocoa puffs?_

_stop trying to sully my favorite childhood cereal_

**Apologies, darling. I couldn’t resist**

**Any plans for the day?**

_mm not really_

_dave and I were gonna go to the park_

_peter wanted to come too but I told him to suck a ding dong_

_yknow, I wore these short shorts the other day bc it was so hot, and peter gave me the MOST judgmental look_

_like smh I’m sorry are my silky thighs distracting u peter???_

**He sounds horrid. Have you considered murdering him?**

_I have, actually_

_but I promised siri I’d give him a chance so I have to hold on for another week or so_

_after that though… well, if he accidentally gets thrown off a cliff, it’s hardly my fault, is it?_

**I love it when your blood-thirsty side comes out**

_ur rubbing off on me_

**Well, I’m rubbing something, that’s for sure**

_STOP OMG_

_christ someone woke up with a stiffy_

_here’s an idea: u take care of ur little problem, and I eat my cereal in peace_

**It’s hardly little**

_~go away~_

_~come back after u’ve jerked off~_

**Tch, so rude**

**Alright, be back in a bit**

_have fun_

**Okay, I’m back**

_oh_

_that was… quick_

**Are you implying something?**

_no no, nothing at all_

**Shut up**

_I didn’t say anything!_

**I heard your implications, and I don’t like them. Did you finish your cereal?**

_mhmm_

_the cocoa puffs have been consumed_

_can’t talk for too long tho love, we’re off to the park soon_

**Love? Are you doing pet names for me now? How sweet**

_don’t get used to it :p_

**Do Cocoa Puffs make you more docile? I’ll have to keep that in mind**

_maybe I just had pity for u busting a nut at record speed_

**I take it back, Cocoa Puffs turn you into a gremlin. I’m never letting you have them again**

_as if u could keep me away from my puffs_

_I have like ten boxes stored away in hidden locations_

_not even dave knows where all of them are_

**Speaking of Dave, why are you two going to the park together?**

_do I need a reason to hang out with dave? smh_

_we’ve been going to the park together since I was a kid_

_picking flowers_

_watching the squirrels_

**Feeding the pigeons?**

_fuck the pigeons_

**Excuse me?**

_I said what I said and I meant what I said_

_I fucking hate those nasty buggers_

**What did the pigeons ever do to you?**

_a better question would be what DIDN’T the pigeons do to me_

_they steal my sandwiches_

_attack my shoes_

_the squirrels, on the other hand, are always lovely_

**I’ve never liked squirrels**

_excuse me?_

**I said what I said and I meant what I said**

**They used to bully me**

**Back at the orphanage**

_yea well u probably deserved it_

**#TeamPigeon**

_gross_

_I thought u didn’t even know about hashtags_

**My internet research skills are impeccable**

_mhmm_

_if we ever lived in a woodland cottage together, we’d end up starting a war_

**At least I would have the snakes on my side**

_excuse me? I love snakes. the snakes would be on my side_

**I am *the* snake man, I don’t know what you’re talking about**

_I used to have a pet snake!_

**I used to play with the garden snakes**

**Back at the ***orphanage*****

_u always bring up the orphanage like u think that’s gonna win u arguments_

_it won’t, bc I am the ultimate snake lover_

**It’s so cute how you think you’re right**

_fuk u_

_if this is how our date goes, I’m gonna end up tripping u every five minutes_

_I’ll wreck u tommy u better prepare urself_

**;) I’ll look forward to it**

_NOT like that_

_ugh I never wanna see u use an emoticon again_

**;)))))))**

_I hate u_

**I thought you couldn’t talk for long? That you had to go to the park?**

_shut up, I’m already at the park_

_u were distracting so I was using the speech to text thingy while I walked_

**If you were using speech to text, why do you still have so many spelling errors?**

_those aren’t errors those are having CHARACTER_

**… Are you saying you manually edit your texts to make them look worse?**

_not worse_

_*artistic*_

_btw, dave looks happy_

**What? Why on earth would Dave’s happiness mean anything to me?**

_omg don’t be mean_

_it’s bc he says I look happy_

_talking to u_

_so he’s happy too_

_I just thought I would mention it_

**Oh. Well, that’s… nice to hear**

_he says that even if moony ends up eating ur heart, he’ll make sure u have a very nice funeral_

_with pretty flowers. dave actually took a class for flower arrangement, yknow_

**I… appreciate the sentiment**

**Do you really think your godfather will eat my heart?**

**Does he know we’re going on a date tomorrow?**

_don't worry, I mentioned it_

**And he was okay with it?**

_‘okay’ is a big word…_

_at first he wanted to come with me_

_but then I told him it wouldn’t rlly be a date if my big furry werewolf godfather was tagging along_

_so he said ok_

**He said okay? Just like that?**

_well, ok as long as I recorded the whole thing and then gave the video to him for review_

**What?**

_and I have to send text updates to him every hour_

_or else he’ll put out a hit on you_

**What??**

_but it’ll be ok_

_probably_

_just think of it as a cute little vlog thing_

**Ah, yes, me getting brutally murdered, how cute**

_well, we can’t all be winners_

_in all seriousness though, u can call it off if u want…_

_I know u probably didn’t want all this baggage when u started flirting with me_

_I know I’m probably not_

_worth it_

_or whatever_

**Harry?**

_yeah?_

**Shut up**

_excuse me?!_

**I asked you out knowing what I was getting into**

**I don’t care about the risks, Harry**

**I like you. And you’re worth it**

_oh tom_

_what did I do to deserve u?_

**I ask myself the same thing every day**

**That is, I ask myself what I did to deserve you**

**Not what you did to deserve me**

**That would be kind of rude**

**And would kind of ruin the moment**

**I might have ruined the moment, actually**

_LOL_

_that’s ok_

_I like u anyways <3_

**Really?**

_rlly_

_I’ll see u tmrw, tom_

_wear something cute_

**Obviously. I’m always cute**

_obviously <3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my excuse for not updating:  
> no excuse. i am but a lazy reed drifting in the ocean  
> pls know that i read ALL of your comments and was very happy to get them, even tho i haven't responded to last chapter's yet (i will do so soon, even tho you've probably already forgotten what you've commented and will be like 'wtf are u talking about')
> 
> shout out to a very special friend who wrote me [this fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26209378) as a birthday present 🥰 it's mob!siri and hitman!moony's meetcute!!!! love you darling <3 <3  
> /\  
> |_|  
>   
> the bonus:  
> tom: "harry... it's been 84 years..."  
> harry: "what? what are you talking about, tom, I texted you last night!"  
> tom: "you don't understand, harry. I've just come back from a parallel universe"  
> harry: "the one where we get married on an iceberg?"  
> tom: "if only. in this one, we were but words on a page, waiting for the author to update and give us life... but she never did..."  
> harry: "tom... have you been drinking again?"  
> tom: *sobs*


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dun.... it's the date!  
> warnings for this straying away from the texting format and actually having... *shudders* _sentences and grammar_ but hopefully you will bear with me so these two dorks can meet irl  
> sorry for taking so long, and enjoy!

Harry pulls out his camera and ruffles his hair.

“Ahem. So—uh—hi, Moony. You said to, um, keep a record of the date in case anything happens, so uh, here it is.”

Harry clears his throat.

“Um, but, Tom said he might give me a lap dance today? So if the camera stops filming for a bit, it’s probably because I’m getting a lap dance. Not, uh, because I’m getting murdered. Hopefully.”

_Beep beep._

“Oh! That’s probably Tom. Let me see… He says, ‘You’re late, hurry up and getting over here. I’ve been waiting for an hour.’ What the fuck? We didn’t plan to meet for another thirty minutes… Hold on, let me text him. ‘It’s… not… my… fault… you’re…’—spelled u r by the way, Moony, it’s all about building character—‘so… excited… to… see… my… hot… piece… of…–‘ Um. Maybe don’t pay attention to that part, Moony? Anyways, I’m gonna get going, since silly Tom showed up like two hours early…”

Harry gets in the car with Dave, who waves at the camera.

“Say hi to Moony, Dave!”

“Hi, sir. I promise to take the utmost care of your godson. I won’t let him out of my sight.”

Harry squints.

“Um…. No. You know you’re not following me around, right, Dave? You’re just gonna drop me off and then go back home?”

Dave stays silent.

“Dave!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I have instructions to—”

“What’s even the point of this stupid vlog thing if you’re just gonna follow me around!”

“Your godfather always believes in taking utmost precaution.”

“Ugh, he tried to stab Siri when he first met, he has absolutely no room to talk. Listen, Dave, you are _not_ following me.”

“But—”

“No buts! Only Tom’s butt. I’ve been told it’s exquisite. Go on and drop me off, Dave, and _don’t_ follow me. If you do, I’ll elope with Tom to Norway. To live in a cottage. Without you.”

“I understand…”

Dave makes puppy-dog eyes, which is a very talented ability, considering that he wears black sunglasses at all times, like the cliché bodyguards in the movies. But he makes the puppy-dog eyes, and Harry can’t resist.

“Okay, I mean, _maybe_ you can visit sometimes… When we need help with our tomato garden or something…”

Dave beams, in that weird bodyguard way where he doesn’t actually move his lips but you get that sense that he’s smiling really hard on the inside, and Harry covers his eyes to avoid being blinded.

“Thank you, sir, it would be an honor. Please don’t elope, though.”

“Yeah, well, please don’t follow me Dave. Don’t be a cockblocker. Not that any cocks will be involved in today’s date, we’ve agreed it will remain wholesome. Other than a potential lap dance.”

Dave nods solemnly.

“I understand, sir. We’ve arrived, so please stay safe. Call me if anything happens.”

“I am a _grown man_ and don’t have to be coddled, but thank you, Dave. I’ll text you when to pick me up.”

Harry gets out of the car, spots Tom waiting in front of the restaurant, chokes on his own spit, and immediately hides behind a pillar.

“Shit, Moony, do you see that?” Harry wheezes. “He’s fucking hot! Who gave him the right? What an asshole. Do I look okay? Dave said I looked okay yesterday when I was planning out the outfit, but Dave’s a suck-up so I can’t really trust him. Ugh, whatever, I’m going.”

Harry clears his throat and walks up. He gives a shy little wave to the man in front of him.

“Tom! Tom. Yes, hi, um. It’s me. Harry. From the, uh… the texting. Nice to uh, meet you? See you? Hi.”

Tom gapes, mouth falling open but no words coming out. Harry shifts his weight from foot to foot nervously, wringing his hands.

“Tom? Tom, you in there?” he laughs nervously.

Tom coughs. “Yes. Yes, hi. Hi. Nice to, um, see you. You look very lovely, Harry. I’m a bit… overwhelmed.”

“Yeah, says the _twunk_ ,” Harry scoffs. “I’m drooling over here! Very impolite of you, Tom.”

“It’s _impolite_ of me?”

“Well, nobody told you to look quite so hot, did they? It’s like you’re mocking the rest of us.”

“Well, in my opinion, _you’re_ quite stunning yourself,” Tom retorts, gesturing vaguely to Harry’s body.

“Your opinion sucks though, doesn’t it? You think icebergs are attractive too, so you’re clearly a bit off.”

“Will you forget about the iceberg?” Tom groans. “Clearly, _you’re_ the one who’s obsessed with it.”

“Yeah, well, I’m just trying to be a caring boyfriend who talks about things you’re interested in, you know how it is.”

“…Boyfriend?” Tom’s eyes light up.

“Um….” _Shit_.

Tom smirks _._

“So, you’re my _boyfriend_ , are you?” he teases.

“Hey, Tom! Why don’t you say hi to Moony!” Harry stammers, shoving the camera into Tom’s nose. “Moony, this is Tom! Tom, give a wave!”

Tom gently moves the camera away from his nose and squints. “…Were you actually serious about recording our date?”

“Moony’s rules, not mine,” Harry shrugs.

Tom nods, then faces the camera with a serious look on his face.

“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Lupin. I promise to treat Harry with the utmost respect and give him only the most tender loving care.”

“God, Tom, you’re so gross…”

“I know, Mr. Lupin, that you might be quite worried about this date, given that Harry is quite an impressionable young man and gets into a lot of trouble—”

“What the fuck?” Harry squawks.

“But I only wish the best for him, and assure you that I will pamper him with the love he deserves.”

“You’re saying romantic things, Tom, but I really just want to punch you in the face. Let’s hurry up and go eat,” he rolls his eyes. He takes Tom’s hand in his own and blushes slightly.

They enter The Leaking Cauldron, only to be promptly faced by a blonde man bowing down on the floor.

“My lord!”

“Is that… is that Lucius?” Harry stares. “What the fuck, Tom?”

“Lucius! What the hell are you doing here? I told you not to follow me!”

“My lord! I apologize… I just wished to assure your safety.” He subtly gives Harry a menacing glance. Harry gasps.

“Yeah, well, have fun assuring my safety from the afterlife,” Tom growls, pulling out a knife and approaching Lucius menacingly. Harry holds him back, panicked.

“Tom, what the fuck? You can’t just kill him! Even if he is a bit of a git.”

“What? Why not?” Tom looks genuinely shocked.

“You—you—you can’t just kill people whenever you want, Tom!”

Tom lets out a huff of incredulity. “You mean you weren’t kidding when you told me not to kill people over text? I thought it was just one of those… internet meme things. Texting lingo.”

“Not being a murderer is not texting lingo!” Harry says, shocked. “What on earth would it even be lingo for?”

Tom clears his throat, cheeks gaining a light dusting of pink. “Well… I thought it might have been… foreplay, or something like that.”

Harry gapes at him. “Oh my god… What the fuck is wrong with you? I knew you had issues, but this is something else.”

Tom pouts, and it’s so cute that Harry almost forgets about the fact that Tom is a sociopath. “Well, we can’t all be perfect,” he huffs out. At that, he grimaces down at Lucius and leans down to whisper something in his ear. Lucius pales dramatically and quickly rushes out of the building.

“What did you say to him?” Harry asks warily. “Actually… never mind. I don’t want to know.”

It was then that Harry remembers he's still recording, and feels a nervous tendril of fear slide down his spine. He looks into the lens and coughs lightly.

“Um… Moony… He was just kidding. He knows not to kill people,” he assures skittishly.

Tom scoffs. “Excuse me? I was certainly _not_ kidding. In fact—”

He cuts himself off abruptly when noticing Harry’s glare.

“I mean… Yes… I was kidding,” he clears his throat. “I mean, I do kill people sometimes, given my occupation, but it is generally only people who deserve it.”

Harry nods solemnly, patting Tom’s head. “Good boy, Tom.”

Tom lets out a choked little sound that he tries to smother with a cough. When Harry stares suspiciously up at him, he can see that Tom’s face has turned a lovely shade of crimson. _Oh._

“Tom—”

“Right!” Tom exclaims. “Let us sit down, yes? I have reserved us a table.”

Tom leads Harry to the back of the restaurant, resolutely avoiding meeting his eyes. Harry smirks and lets him off the hook for now. Setting up the camera near the salt and pepper shakers, Harry focuses his attention to Tom. A fizzle of excitement settles in his stomach. Somehow, throughout all the nonsense that happened in the first moments of meeting Tom, Harry forgot that he was meeting him for the first time. He still feels a bit in awe.

“Harry?” Tom tilts his head, noticing Harry’s staring. “What’s up?”

“It’s just… you’re actually here, y’know? After all this time.”

Tom gives a warm smile, one that Harry is shocked he is able to produce. Harry is always surprised by how gentle Tom is with him, despite being… an assassin who’s a bit off in the head.

“I know,” he breathes out. “I’ve been imagining meeting you for ages, but the reality…” Tom brushes the back of his hand lightly against Harry’s cheek, eyes wrinkling as his smile grows. “It’s so much better than anything I could have imagined.”

Harry turns beet-red, stammers out nonsense that barely qualifies as English, and feels a bit faint. He takes the nearby camera, turns it off, and promptly shoves it in his bag.

“Didn’t you need that for your godfather?” Tom asks curiously.

Harry shakes his head, taking Tom’s hands in his own and laying them on top of the table. Harry’s hands are shaking, and his palms might be a bit sweaty, but Tom doesn’t seem to mind and simply grips them reassuringly.

“I—” Harry breathes out, finally regaining a bit of coherency in his scrambled brain, “I don’t want him intruding. This is our first date, and it’s going to be between you and me. It’s going to be special,” he nodded firmly. “I don’t want you to worry about impressing anyone or mincing your words. You’re… you’re perfect just the way you are.”

Tom smiles happily. “Does this mean I can talk about murdering people?” he asks hopefully, eyes gleaming.

Harry brings one of Tom’s hands up to his lips to press a loving kiss onto the skin. He spreads out the man’s fingers and rests his cheek on Tom’s palm, closing his eyes and letting out a sigh of contentment. “No, Tom. That’s still fucked up.”

Tom smiles dopily. “That’s alright. For you, Harry, I’d never kill anyone ever again.”

“Oh, Tom,” Harry sighs dreamily. “That’s so romantic…”

The waiter interrupts their bonding moment by asking them for their orders, but all throughout their meal, Tom and Harry’s eyes were filled with joyous moon-eyed wonder.

* * *

Despite Harry’s initial tension, all of his nerves fade away by the time they exit the restaurant. Tom, for all of his immense hotness, is still the dorky man he’s been texting all this time. It was easy to relax and let Tom’s soothing presence wash over him. Harry takes a minute to wonder if he’s falling a bit too quick, but at this point, knowing Tom would catch him, he doesn’t really mind.

There's a light drizzle awaiting them outside, and Tom quickly hails them a cab to escape the weather.

“So…” Tom clears his throat. “My place?”

Harry nods shyly, not letting go of their intertwined hands. “But no hanky-panky, okay?”

“Of course, of course,” Tom says, eyes filled with mirth. “No hanky-panky. Just a movie, snacks, and a friendly lap-dance.”

“Obviously,” Harry agrees, grinning.

They spend the drive over to Tom’s apartment in relative silence, basking in each other’s presence. The pleasant quiet atmosphere is only broken when they finally enter Tom’s home, Harry gasping as his eyes lock into something in particular. Something unbelievable.

_Fish._

“Oh my god, Tom… Did you make that?” Harry breathes out incredulously, eyes wide.

Tom smirks, emitting a haughty air. “Like what you see?”

There, in the kitchen, is a fish. But not _just_ a fish. No, it is a _well-cooked_ fish, with garnishes and everything. It perhaps wasn’t perfect, as Harry could see a few overcooked spots, but it was a far cry from the Satan Fish incident of the past.

Harry is a bit frightened.

“Tom… It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. What’s next? A wedding that _isn’t_ on an iceberg?”

Tom scowls. “Our wedding was never going to be on an iceberg in the first place, Harry. It might melt and I’d never risk your life like that. Don’t underestimate global warming.”

Harry peeks up at Tom. “Does this mean you have already alternative wedding plans ready?”

“Obviously,” Tom affirms smugly. “But you can’t know about them until we’re actually engaged, so you’ll have to wait patiently.”

“Mm… My expectations are already pretty high with the iceberg wedding, but I suppose if anyone can surpass expectations, it’s you. I mean… you made _fish_.”

Tom leads Harry to the couch and sits him down, bringing him a glass of wine from the kitchen.

“I’d serve you some now, but I think we’re both still a little full from the restaurant, so we can wait until after the movie.”

Harry hums in agreement. “What movie do you have planned?”

Tom clears his throat. “Tangled.”

“Tangled?” Harry laughs.

Tom glares at him. “Do you have something against Tangled?”

Harry shakes his head fervently. “No, no, that’s not it! I just didn’t really peg you for a Disney kind of person.”

“Yes, well,” Tom sniffs. “I am a connoisseur of all genres.”

Internally, Harry thinks watching Tangled will not exactly get them in the mood for lap-dancing, but agrees nonetheless. Because as long as he’s with Tom, it doesn’t matter what he’s watching. As long as he’s with Tom, everything would be okay.

Of course, this doesn’t stop him from crying during the sad bits, but Tom’s comforting arm around his shoulders more than soothes his distress.

All in all, there were tears, cuddles, fish, death threats towards Lucius when he knocked on the door, and a very sexy lap-dance (with no hanky-panky).

Harry goes home, screams into the pillow, and thinks he’s never been happier in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yayyy they made it!  
> after this texting shenanigans will resume and we will be back to the beauty of no grammar and unfinished sentences, and lots and lots of crack  
> hope the change of format isn't... _too_ horrible, and the date was more sweet moments than bad writing
> 
> let me know your thoughts! 
> 
> lots of love xx

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Beep Beep. What's That? Oh, It's a Katana](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26209378) by [bellefleuur (epanouiii)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/epanouiii/pseuds/bellefleuur)




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